Andy

Before Bigfoot comes along and says it... North East UK is Aberdeenshire

One of my favourite ever jokes and what's more, it's clean! A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" "I'm over here, on the swings."

Little Johnny was off school for a day Next day he comes back and the teacher, thinking Johnny has been skipping school puts on her most stern voice and says "Johnny, why weren't you at school yesterday?" Johnny says "Sorry Miss, but Daddy got burned" The teacher, suddenly realising she might have made a mistake says "Oh, that's terrible. I do hope it wasn't serious" "Well Miss," replies Johnny, "They don't f*** about at the crematorium"

The very same. What really annoys me is the TC users mentioned did all the groundwork, the owner reported it to the Police. The Police turned up, identified it as stolen then the legitimate owner had to pay

And you boys have got it absolutely spot on recently, haven't you? No use telling us it's going to snow once it's started snowing

For those that don't read the front page... Back in April 2009, one of our Trials Central Forum users posted in our Stolen Bikes Forum that his garage had been broken into and three bikes had been stolen. Roll on 10 months to February 2010 and TC Forum user "benz19" posted a link to a rather dodgy looking Gas Gas which had appeared on EBay. Several thousand miles away in Massachusetts, USA TC Forum user "Dan Williams", not content with providing his very useful Beta Clutch Fix started playing detective and suspected the bike on Ebay was one of the ones reported by the user back in April 2009. Now we're not sure which, but either Dan or user "motofire", again out in the USA, dropped the guy an email, pointing him to the Ebay Ad. He got in touch with us here at TC saying he was pretty sure the bike was one of his. We immediately removed all reference to it from the Forums just in case the seller got wind that the TC brigade were onto them. The suspicions were passed to the Police, the bike was positively identified as one of those stolen and we're delighted that the owner and bike were reunited yesterday. The owner has asked us to express his thanks to all who helped track this down in what was a truly international effort. We're going to give all three users - benz19, Dan and motofire two years TC Supporters status giving them access to our vast and exclusive collection of video and photos not available to the public as a small thank you for their efforts. Well done guys!

Dougie Lampkin Report: Dougie Lampkin followed up his recent victory at Hell's Gate with a solid third place at the Tough One Extreme Enduro held near Owestry in wintry conditions. Still very much 'the new kid on the block' in these type of specialist competitions, Dougie once again showed that his two wheel skill from his trials background enabled him to record yet another podium result against World class and much more experienced opposition. Lampkin always knew that a second win in a row at this type of event was going to be near impossible as he lined up aginst friend and rival David Knight who was the clear favourite for the victory before a wheel had even been turned. Thankfully clear blue skies and sun overhead allowed the heavily frozen ground to thaw slightly ahead of the Pro Hot laps that would determine starting positions for the main two hour race later in the day. Ahead of this initial action the main of the crowd had positioned themselves down the sides of a long and vertical descent that brought the riders from the highest point of the course to the quarry floor in a few frightening seconds. Lampkin's trials background came into its own here as he never looked in trouble as he eased his factory four stroke Beta down amongst the rocks and trees to the applause of the crowd. Dougie held top spot in the single lap sprint for most of the session and was only beaten by Graham Jarvis and eventual winner Knight to claim his place on the front row for the afternoon race. With the expert riders having been set off nearly half a lap ahead of the pro riders, the initial part of the main race was heavy going for Lampkin and co as they soon caught and set about the difficult task of passing these riders on a course that was single track in many places. Knight soon had one hand on the trophy as he bullied his way to the front and immediately begun to strech his lead over Tom Sagar and Lampkin who were now both without goggles due to their passage through the pack. Dougie momentarily made it into second place before stopping to collect new goggles, and then seemed to lose his rhythm, as both Sagar came back by along with Jarvis and stretched their advanage over the ex multi FIM trial World champion. Typically Dougie dug deep to stay in touch with the front runners despite having handling problems on the higher speed parts of the course. Just past the hour point Lampkin moved back into a podium position as Jarvis crashed and then suffered mechanical problems. Not content with third spot Dougie pushed hard in the last sixty minutes and dramatically closed the gap on Sagar in the closing stage only to run out of time as the flag was brought down exactly at the two hour mark. The top six riders from the main race automatically qualified for the finale, aptly named the Boulder Dash, it is as it says a one hundred metre sprint over massive rocks where in the majority the riders are forced to man handle their heavy machines. Dougie looked dead and buried as his Beta failed to fire into life at the start of this short race and entered the rock strewn gulley several seconds behind his rivals. However a quick bit of thinking and some trials style riding saw Lampkin emerge two minutes later as the victor and one thousand pounds richer as he stole the winner takes all cash prize. Clutching his winnings, Dougie smiled widely as he spoke about his day. "With the ice this morning I wasn't too sure what sort of race it was going to be, but in the end it worked out OK. My qualifying lap was quite good, it was just a shame that they had to cut that section out of the main race as that was by far the most technical part of the course. All day I have struggled with the faster parts of the course, maybe it was my tyre selection, but that is where I lost ground each lap." "Each time I tried pushing on these sections I ended up in trouble or on the floor, it is a shame as I felt good on the other parts of the track. I still have got a lot to learn in this type of event, as just twelve months ago this was my first ever extreme enduro. Last year I was fourth, so I suppose I should be happy with a podium finish this time around." Lampkin added. Dougie ended by saying. "Winning the Boulder Dash was a good end to a hard day, especially as I thought my chance had gone when my bike wouldn't start. Grabbing the cash will definitely make the journey home much better."

Even Perce does ugly ones occasionally

Jeezus. Poor bugger!

Any relation to Mark? If so, you have our sympathies!

Registration is very straightforward. If not logged in then up at the top of the screen there is a "Register" link. If the email address wasn't accepted then it will be on the blocked list. We don't accept registrations from "throwaway" email addresses i.e. hotmail, googlemail, yahoo etc etc due to their popularity with spammers.

Permissions were wrong. Problem fixed now

Nae point in sendin it tae them, laddie when yer profile says ye should be sendin' it tae Fife Cooncil!

Not a problem posting this, but the maker (chewy or whoever) should respond to the request by Personal Message. That way no advertising is done and no rules are broken

Why do you think I posted it?!

Good thinking. We'll need women to do the clearing up

During the three years that we had a world round event at Hawkstone, Trials Central ran the very successful "Party In The Park" get-togethers. This was a chance for TC users to get together informally, have a few beers and put names to faces. With the world round in Fort William approaching, planning has started on what we're going to do this year. Firstly, there will be NO camping available at the Nevis Range Ski Area so that rules out doing what we did at Hawkstone. Finding another venue where it's possible to set up a secure area with marquee, camping, toilets etc where we're not going to bother anybody with noise is way too much hassle and likely to be very difficult to sort out. The initial thoughts are to still have an evening get-together at the Trial venue, but to arrange buses to take people the short distance from Fort William and back again. We'd have a marquee, bar, big screen video and potentially catering there and we are currently in talks with the event organisers about some "exclusive" things, including perhaps some of the "big names" dropping by. A charity auction has also been mentioned as a possibility and with so many stars of the Trials world going to be there I think we could come up with some pretty neat stuff! Because of the logisitcs and costs, this event would be limited to an absolute maximum of 100 people with TC Supporters having first priority on wristbands. We most likely would be looking to charge a small amount per person to cover the costs of bus hire. Any surplus would go to charity. We still have to look into that side of things. I'm open to thoughts on this idea and also any suggestions as to how we could make it even better

Got that one right I have absolutely no time for them. Useless cheese-eating surrendermonkeys. It's no coincidence that of all the world rounds we go to the French are always the most problematic. They forget very easily... -------------------- The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow". --------------------- Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention? A: Start ordering in German. ------------------------ Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language? Answer: Gratitude --------------------------- Q. What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training? A. How to surrender in at least 10 languages. ---------------------------- Q. What is the most useful thing in the French Army? A. A rearview mirror, so they can see the war --------------------------- A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!" ------------------------------- For Sale WWII French Army Rifle. Never fired, dropped once. -------------------------------------- A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed. "What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, p****d on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!" A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, p****d all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division." ----------------------------------- An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." ------------------------------------- and the one that is no joke, but a true quote... "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." - General George S. Patton

Not sure why this was posted in the ACU Discussion Forum as the ACU don't have rules on tie-downs as far as I'm aware. Have moved it to somewhere more appropriate

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Nicolas Sarkozy, the French President was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Zarkozy!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Zarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Zarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Zarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Zarkozy asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Zarkozy sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty-thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Zarkozy, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Zarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Zarkozy! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Zarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no freakin' way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners...

CLICK MEEEE!

Every now and then hotmail decides that TC is a source of spam. It isn't and never has been. When hotmail has these little fits (as it is having at present) it bounces all emails from Trials Central which is why you won't have received the validation email. Micro$lop are impossible to deal with - they don't care that some little Trials website can't email their users. Use an alternate email address and it will work.

Hehehe

And the year after that... I came across one of Kinell's photos from the 2004 SSDT