Andy

Eh? It's not happened yet! That Alzheimers is a real bitch...

Mom was driving in the country with Junior when she hears from the back seat "Look Mom, a Moo Moo." Mom tells Junior "You are seven years old now, you should call things by their proper names. It's not a 'Moo Moo', it's a Cow". Things a quiet for a few minutes, when again from the back seat Mom hears "Look Mom, a Baa Baa." Mom is a little miffed and replies "Junior, I told you earlier that I want you call things by their proper name. It's not a 'Baa Baa, that is a sheep". Again, things are quite for a while. Mom feels a bit guilty and to make amends, asks Junior what he is doing. Junior replies "I'm just reading a book, Mom". "Really, what's it called?" "Winnie the ****". ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copey comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a hurricane. He loop-legs through the door and is met by Mrs Copey , who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones. "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bull****! There's no such place!" Copey says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!" Mrs. Copey still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then Mrs. Copey hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that p****d in your saxophone last night!" (sorry Mark!) --------------------------------------------------------------------- There's this prostitute and she's blind. She knows her own street so well that she doesn't need her white stick. While on her street she gets run over by a car. The driver runs out and says "Are you all right?" The hooker says "I'm blind, I'm blind!" "No, you're not," the driver says "How many fingers am I holding up?" The prostitute says "****, I'm paralysed!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What have fat girls & mopeds got in common? A: They're fun to ride until your mates see you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple decided to move, along with their five year old son, to a nudist colony. After only a couple days residence there, the little boy came inside and asked his mother, "Mom, why do some women have bigger breasts than others?" "Well," responded the small chested mother, "the bigger the women's breasts are, the more stupid the woman is." A couple hours later the child returns with the question, "Mom, why do some men have bigger pee-pees than others?" "The same reason," answered the mother, "the larger they are the dumber they are." A short time later the boy rushed in and shouted, "Mom, you gotta save Dad. He is outside talking to this really, really stupid woman and he is getting dumber all the time!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mum and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

I've come across a 148 page Word document I compiled from years of subscribing to the newsgroup alt.tasteless.humor and various other joke newsgroups back before the Web was invented and newsgroups were about all we had. Most of it couldn't be published here, but scanning back there are some I can (just!) Q: What is the definition of wicker box? A: What Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help. ----------------------------------------------------------- You know you're having a bad day when the town nymphomaniac tells you she likes you, but just as a friend. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make five pounds of fat attractive? A: Put a nipple on it. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't women fart? A: Their mouths are never shut long enough to build up any pressure. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of making love? A: It is what a woman does when a man is ******* her. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know when your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up. ----------------------------------------------------------- A man meets an attractive woman in a bar, they start talking, and eventually he winds up going over to her place. One thing leads to another, and they have sex. After their "one night stand" concludes, the woman gets out of bed, wanders over to the bathroom, and starts brushing her teeth. Five minutes pass, ten minutes pass; after about 15 minutes, she finally opens the bathroom door. The guy looks at her and says, "Hmmmm, I bet that you're a dentist." "Wow! That's true... how did you know that?" "You spent over 15 minutes in the bathroom brushing your teeth. Only someone like a dentist would do that." "You know," she said, "I can tell what you do too... you've got to be an anaesthetist." The man was shocked: "Geez, you're right! How the hell did you figure that out?" "Well," she replied, "While we were having sex, I didn't feel a thing, and before I knew it, the whole thing was over." ------------------------------------------------------ A young footballer plays in the amateur league for a while then gets signed up by West Ham. The manager says to him,

How did you pay? If by credit card or PayPal you've got some comeback. If by Maestro/Switch, not so easy.

Oh poo. Been a few years since I was down for the Colonial and I was thinking about making the journey this year

I wrote this document for the Scooby Club, but it's equally relevanton here as both site run the same forum software: clickable_links.pdf

On the tarmac 1/2 a mile outside Mallaig

I've already posted this in the Rappers Column about Sheffield, but for those who don't pick it up there the FIM have announced changes for the next round Clickety linky

Came over the Slug Road to Banchory today and can tell you he's not kidding! Parts of the road are like a river.

Was wondering that myself. Not been up to the Pollock for a few years so might head up this year.

The Polish rider Tadeusz Blazusiak (KTM) has been proclaimed World Cup champion of the Indoor Enduro tonight in Vigo, after the third event in the competition. As in the two previous events, Blazusiak dominated the three finals. The Swedish Joakim Ljunggren (Husaberg) was second, beating by one point the Spanish rider Iv EnduroIndoorVIGO_results.pdf

We have two open topics on the same thing! All Sheffield stuff in this topic please!

He's not happy

Just added photos to front page article

It's very confusing: Each local organiser is permitted to select a maximum of two wild card entrants to join the eight fixed riders during the qualification lap, which must consist of a minimum of four sections. The best eight riders, following qualification, will take part in the Trial itself, which will go through three new elimination stages (TX1, TX2 and TX3) to decide the eventual winner. TX1 will begin with a quartet of head to head races, with the four race winners transfering straight to TX2. The four race losers will go to a last chance section to decide the remaining two riders who will then also progress to TX2. The next stage of the Trial will see these six riders fight it out over three more sections, with the best four riders then going head to head again in a second dual lane race. These remaining four riders will ride four final sections in TX3, with the final results being determined with the scores from TX2 and TX3 being added together to create an overall total.

To be honest I'm not overly fussed about missing it. I don't fancy the delays, missed train connections and hanging round stations today and tomorrow feezing my nuts off trying to get there and back and it's a good 4 1/2 hour drive from here (in good conditions) so didn't fancy that much either, especially since there seems to be only about 3 bucketfuls of grit left to do the entire country I've been for the past 5 or 6 years and it gets a bit "samey". Sure it's impressive what these guys can do can do, but I far prefer the outdoor Trials. I can still get results and photos from Sheffield, just not my own photos. Bit pee'd off I'll miss seing Danny MacAskill in action though

Doesn't look like I'll make it. Booked train, but east coast mainline has serious delays and signalling problems. I'd never make my connection then chaos ensues

This is how it should be done

READ THIS IF TRAVELLING

Are you surprised you found an interesting post or are you surprised it's an interesting post by copey?!

I don't often agree with the Daily Mail, but they do have a point

Is that low enough for you to get your cold weather allowance?

Is he in the same line of work as George Michael then?

1) Eat Vinaloo 2) Pass Vindaloo onto said frozen toilet Sorted

I had heard this was rumoured and, indeed was rumoured to tie in with the Japan round. Never been to Oz and it would be nice to add to the list of countries I've visited, but it's a bloody long way to go and given I hated Japan and have no desire to return. Hmmmm....