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http://www.b3ta.com/links/1403136
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Likewise, Derbyshire born and bred.......
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Unfortunately, after this performance yesterday, he crashed it today......
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Troy Corser at Goodwood...... https://www.goodwood.com/grrc/event-coverage/goodwood-revival/2016/9/video-troy-corser-nails-a-lap-of-goodwood-on-an-80-year-old-bmw/
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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one .
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing by - product of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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And a pub within 2 miles? it gets better.....
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This??? http://www.muddy-wheels.co.uk
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Yep. Same with the racing bikes.
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https://mobile.twitter.com/Ffs_OMG/status/768414164217958400/video/1
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A garbage collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"
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*******s. My daughter was in bed two Fridays back and two scumbags removed a fence panel, smashed the double doors on the workshop and made off with her Kawasaki MX bike. They ought to crash and burn, the low life scum.
I hope you get it back.
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I can't possibly comment...... ; >)
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In the light of recent police announcements that they no longer consider it necessary to attend the scene of domestic burglaries.
I have taken down the St. George's flag from beside the house and peeled the burglar alarm sticker off the front door.
We've disconnected and cancelled our home alarm system contract and quit our Neighbourhood Watch.
I've bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front garden, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the centre.
Now the local police, CID, MI5, SAS and other UK counter terrorism agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
We've never felt safer and we're saving £14.95 a month.
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http://www.carlsalter.com/motorcycle-manuals.asp
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Have a sift through these...
http://www.carlsalter.com
Look for the Gas Gas links...
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Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy." "Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy" 'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy '
wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"
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Truisms . . . .
1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
4. I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
7. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
8. Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
9. Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
10. Take my advice — I'm not using it.
11. I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
12. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
13. Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
14. I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
15. Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more talented fool.
16. I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
17. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
18. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
19. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
20. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
21. When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
22. My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
23. There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
24. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
25. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
26. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
27. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
28. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
29. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
30. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
31. The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
32. I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
33. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
34. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
36. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
37. Money is the root of all wealth.
38. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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Airline Announcements:
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways..'
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
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