spen

A 75 year old rings her local hospital: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised, or improved?' 'Do you know which ward she is in?' 'Yes, ward P, room 2B' 'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.' 'Hello, ward P, how can I help?' 'I'd just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?' 'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.' 'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy; thank you ever so much!' 'You seem very relieved. Are you a close friend or relative?' 'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. They tell you fook all in here.'

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They set up their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: ''Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.'' Watson: ''I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.'' Holmes: ''Watson, you bloody idiot, somebody stole our tent!''

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2016/07/14/space_station_to_get_shiny_new_ringpiece_for_automatic_penetration/

I remember Wraggs, both at Sheffield and Chesterfield. I was wondering if anybody knew of the recipient of the trophy, R Ackerill, I'd like to give it back to him or her or the family.

There can't be many more older than me........

Superb....

In my garage today I came across an old trophy, BSAOC Walter Wragg Trophy Trial trophy, with the name R Ackerill and 1963 inscribed. Anybody able to give me any more info', please? I can't remember how long I've had it and know it arrived in a filthy state in a box of bits.

An admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the chef to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The chef replied, "Well, sir, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia." Horrified the admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!" The chef shrugs, and replies, "If you feel that way sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."

You'll all be singing this tomorrow .... http://www.b3ta.com/links/1391686

Any colour Colin... you need a bulldog clip, rubber band or similar device to fix your number on and away you go......

Anglesey this weekend...... www.spencerracing.co.uk

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai, I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements. She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, my friend, who’d been to China before, interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429

It's a must..... brings back many memories.....

See you at Mallory for the Owd Codgers trial then, Colin????

Student got Zero for this exam.... Q. 1. In which battle did Napoleon die? A. His last battle. Q. 2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A. At the bottom of the page. Q. 3. River Ravi flows in which state? A. Liquid. Q. 4. What is the main reason for divorce? A. Marriage. Q. 5. What is the main reason for failure? A. Exams. Q. 6. What can you never eat for breakfast? A. Lunch & dinner. Q. 7. What looks like half an apple? A. The other half. Q. 8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? A. Wet. Q. 9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? A. No problem, he sleeps at night. Q. 10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. You will never find an elephant that has one hand. Q. 11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? A... Very large hands. Q. 12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all, the wall is already built. Q. 13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her. As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills.. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . . And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night." THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago! BIOLOGY EXAM: Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A. THE JEWISH ELBOW A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" . WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "? A RIDE IN THE TAXI A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" "Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase…In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

"Jesus loves you." A nice thing to hear in church, not so great in a Mexican prison!

An old chap goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution . When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor . The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say , '99'. The old guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says , "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say , '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One... two.. three."

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Chap goes into a live seafood restaurant and is shown to his table. Waiter wheels out a fish tank of live stock for him to choose from. After a good look he says, "I'll have that squid in the corner, the green one with the moustache". Waiter wheels the tank to the kitchen & pulls out the green moustached squid, he hands it to his chef, Gervais & says. "Gervais, kill and cook this squid for the man at table 3". So Gervais takes the squid, pops him on his chopping board and raises the cleaver...... The squid realising his impending doom and looks up, raises his claws and shouts, "No no not me, no not me". Gervais is overcome with emotion & runs out of the kitchen crying....... The waiter rushes in and sees the problem.... Then looks to the big guy who does the washing up; Hans, and says, "Hans you will have to do it, kill and cook this squid for the chap at table 3". So Hans raises the cleaver..... little squid once again raises his claws, and looks up, "No not me no not me" he pleads..... Hans too, is overcome with emotion....bursts into tears and runs out of the kitchen...... .......And that just goes to prove that,........... Hans that do dishes are as soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lipped squid!

...

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “.

Thank you......

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.' 'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.' "Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???" The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months. ' 'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently - "It's Rust."