spen

... today, Saturday the 30th of July. Part of the classic bike festival being held there.

Read the description... http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/252470468076

http://www.1959bhsmustangs.com/VideoJukebox.htm#

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

Bit of localised heat, let it get hot and cold twice, then a few light taps to free it. Hopefully!

Oh for the days when you wore a woolly hat in winter and a flat cap in summer..... purely for holding a hot spark plug so you didn't burn your hand.

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. • When chemists die, they barium. • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • Broken pencils are pointless. • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. • All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. • Velcro - what a rip off! • Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

A 75 year old rings her local hospital: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised, or improved?' 'Do you know which ward she is in?' 'Yes, ward P, room 2B' 'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.' 'Hello, ward P, how can I help?' 'I'd just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?' 'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.' 'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy; thank you ever so much!' 'You seem very relieved. Are you a close friend or relative?' 'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. They tell you fook all in here.'

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They set up their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: ''Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.'' Watson: ''I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.'' Holmes: ''Watson, you bloody idiot, somebody stole our tent!''

ORRe Have a look on here....

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2016/07/14/space_station_to_get_shiny_new_ringpiece_for_automatic_penetration/

I remember Wraggs, both at Sheffield and Chesterfield. I was wondering if anybody knew of the recipient of the trophy, R Ackerill, I'd like to give it back to him or her or the family.

There can't be many more older than me........

Superb....

In my garage today I came across an old trophy, BSAOC Walter Wragg Trophy Trial trophy, with the name R Ackerill and 1963 inscribed. Anybody able to give me any more info', please? I can't remember how long I've had it and know it arrived in a filthy state in a box of bits.

An admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the chef to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The chef replied, "Well, sir, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia." Horrified the admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!" The chef shrugs, and replies, "If you feel that way sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."

You'll all be singing this tomorrow .... http://www.b3ta.com/links/1391686

Any colour Colin... you need a bulldog clip, rubber band or similar device to fix your number on and away you go......

Anglesey this weekend...... www.spencerracing.co.uk

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai, I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements. She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, my friend, who’d been to China before, interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429

It's a must..... brings back many memories.....

See you at Mallory for the Owd Codgers trial then, Colin????

Student got Zero for this exam.... Q. 1. In which battle did Napoleon die? A. His last battle. Q. 2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A. At the bottom of the page. Q. 3. River Ravi flows in which state? A. Liquid. Q. 4. What is the main reason for divorce? A. Marriage. Q. 5. What is the main reason for failure? A. Exams. Q. 6. What can you never eat for breakfast? A. Lunch & dinner. Q. 7. What looks like half an apple? A. The other half. Q. 8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? A. Wet. Q. 9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? A. No problem, he sleeps at night. Q. 10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. You will never find an elephant that has one hand. Q. 11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? A... Very large hands. Q. 12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all, the wall is already built. Q. 13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her. As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills.. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .. . . And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night." THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago! BIOLOGY EXAM: Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A. THE JEWISH ELBOW A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" . WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "? A RIDE IN THE TAXI A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" "Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase…In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'