the addict

Pet Diaries: Excerpts from a Dog's Diary: * 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing! * 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing! * 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!... * 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing! * 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing! * 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing! * 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing! * 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing! * 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing! * 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing! * 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing! Excerpts from a Cat's Diary: Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. *******s! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now!!..

Dai proposed to Megan and it had been accepted. "But", added Megan, "before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life." "No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married." After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Porthcawl, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret". "No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough." That night as they got into ...bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see, I'm a virgin." Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house. "Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon." "It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin." "Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."

I had a white 200 Mont and the bloke up the road used to have a red Honda one (shame he's not got it anymore) like to see the pics if you can post them, I think mine was 1982 or 81?

I cheat and post them to my facebook page and copy and paste straight from there, shouldn't be any copyright probs as they're my pics.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,... "you've got to make love to me this very moment" My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what was that about" She explained, "The EGG TIMER'S broken"

Try some higher bars and make sure the bars on yours are far enough forward, you maybe to cramped up.

A mate of mine recently pulled the lanyard as he was about to go over the bars and it hit him straight in the eye causing some problems. I was quite keen of getting one fitted until then but I wouldn't have used the lanyard around my wrist for Guys reason above.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant..."You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You *******!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten *******!" The judge stops and says to George in the back of the courtroom.... "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" George stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that *******, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!!..

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.... After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Keneddy Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying *******... he's never been out of the garden.

Gaerne Slippers every time for me

How come you can't keep an erection these days?" Asked the wife, after another unsuccessful attempt at a shag. "I'm sorry love, it's not my fault." I told her, "It's the mirror." "Really?" She said, disbelievingly. "The mirror??" ..."Yeah." I replied. "Go and have a look in it."

The mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best' I can't wait. i ****in love Shepherd's Pie

Man goes to a hitman and asks him to kill his wife. Hitman: Sure, but it will be 10K Man: OK, but I want to know how you are going to kill her? Hitman: I will use just one shot....just below her left tit. Man: That's no ****ing good....I want her dead, not kneecapped!!..

Mate called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure, to be honest" mate said, "But if they were that would explain the suitcase!!..

I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!..

I’ve never written to anyone before about personal problems, but I really thought that Trials Central users could give me some advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street as if someone dropped her off from around the corner. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I would park my Montesa 4rt outside next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the head gasket on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Bought the Wife a Pug dog. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat & being ugly as ****, the dog seems to like her!

Hmmmmm? Ham Police could be after for me for this one? might be a duplicate but worth a second read. A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle? The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black ...Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[quote name="guys" post="398501" timestamp="14333 Excellent, few tweaks no drastic changes, why fix what isn't broke.

I also tend to get left behind fairish in 2nd and third unless I'm concentrating pretty hard, pull your arms off most of the time.

I know, but the Mont will tend to ride stuff in first that 2 strokes simply can't, I use first often for most sections apart from big hills or bogs.

Probably my favourite 2 stroke I've owned was the TXT 270, 1999? possibly. GasGas going is a massive blow to the sport as well as those who support it and those who have built businesses alongside them. As some have said, spares should be plentiful for years to come and this may even bring some new business opportunities into the sport.

A woman gets on the bus to Belfast with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman takes her seat, fuming. She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me." The man says, "You shouldn't have to take that. You go tell him off. I'll hold your monkey!!..