the addict

A man walks into confessional,and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for have sinned... I was shagging seven different women last night" The priest is silent for a moment,then says, "Go home, and cut seven lemons in half, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink it down in one gulp" "And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man. "No," replies the priest, "But it will wipe that ****in smirk of your face!

I had a brand new electronic garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice. To be honest, I haven't seen the ****ing thing shut yet.

When i was a kid,my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special box under the stairs...!I was 15,before i finally found out it was our ****in gas meter...!!!

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm... gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!" Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a sh%t first."

My wife just said to me "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago & it still fits me". I said " it's a ****ing scarf."

I was chatting up a Gypsy girl in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place and have a good time.She wasn't ****ing kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found ...that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"........

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun.... "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the bunker, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed, "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?"

According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag...So every morning i slap the wife on the a*** and say two sugars fatty!

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "**** !" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"... And then the fight started...

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on ...your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

In Turkey, on holiday, I came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shave with a solid steel stoneground razor, below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs,... waxed off chest hairs AND plucked all the hairs out of the a*** crack finishing off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good:)

A aussie and an kiwi go into a bakery. The aussie steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the kiwi, "See how slick I am? The owner didn't see anything." The kiwi says to the Aussie, "That's typically dishonest of you Aussies. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Kiwi swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the kiwi asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastry?" The kiwi replies, "Look in the Aussie's pocket!!..

Neither does knowing where they went wrong unless they act upon it and learn. There is a possibility that they simply cannot make a profit, that will be the problem they need to act on as of today. I hope GasGas get through this now and learn from the past, GM and co were let off the hook when they really should have been left to go down in a free market place.

Man & wife are cooing over their new born baby. "Look at his c&%k," says the man, "It's massive!". "Yes dear," says the wife, "but at least he's got your eyes".

Mary got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Mary again, remarried,..... and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Mary finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

Paddy is inconsolable after his dog goes missing, his wife says, 'Why not put an ad in the paper'. He does this and after 2 weeks he gets no replies. 'What did you put in the paper?', asks his trusting wife, Paddy says, 'Here boy!!!!!'.....

A forgiven debt although helpful for now does nothing to address the problem that created that debt in the first place?

"Haram"

Dear me, the Banyeres site is a very dark place indeed, strange things often happen soon after, an overwhelming feeling of guilt and "how am I going to pay the mortgage this month" and such like.

50 Shades of Grey is banned in Afghanistan We cannot condone this depravity said Muhammad Adullah, who was accompanied by his 12 year old wife and 2 kids.

No 5's, that's great, well done.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties..?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank **** for that ! - I thought you were sitting on the damn cat.. ! "

Johnny, you'd miss the van mate, pickups are good but once you've owned a van there's no going back.