gizza5

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ****************************************** My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... ****************************************** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ****************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started..... ****************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station. And then the fight started... ****************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... ****************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ****************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ****************************************** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

12 of the finest double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.' __________________

Bums on seats is the proof and Sheffield this year there were unsold seats..........................Never happened before and this has probably got nowt to do with rules or format, think people have been, seen and now spend their money elsewhere?

Well I tired to take your advise, but the gassing got a bit out of hand occassionally Had to guess a couple of scores and only one rider argued his score after falling off going backwards he thought it should have been a 1.........I felt sorry for him so I gave him a 5

At least it represents the sport and we undertand it

Yes thats right last chance over 2 sections 3, 4 and 5. My point is over the initial 6 sections he was only on 9 and in 5th place?

Well Atom started with the dirty jokes? might just get away with this? Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor tiles. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)." They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it, "Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B." "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber. "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples." "Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that, mate!" "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive."

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?' The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?' 'Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.'

Yesterday I was at my local Aldi buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.. What did she think I had, an elephant? Soon impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in Hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, . . . . . . I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.

Sorry but you must be looking at a different set of results, after the first 6 sections, Fuji 9, Dabill 11 and Wiggy 25 so where was fuji beaten on obsevation? ............................and as I said the circus started with racing, then some more sections, where he did get pipped by Dibs and Wiggy, hardly a true obsrvation comparison over the entire course. It may have suited Dibbs and Wiggy in Sheffield and indeed we would have extatic if Doug would have won......................but the rules are still too complicated people that are involved in the sport fail to understand, then Joe Public ain't got a prayer!!

Hmm joint 4th after the first qualification on 9, Dabill was close on 11 then Gubian on 21 and Wiggy on 25 Then the circus started and he ends up in 7th having halved Gubian and Wiggy's score in the sections......................I understand it makes perfect sense Wonder what rules they have for the next round, hope they keep the same, because by the end of the series somone might understand them and explain it in simple terms Note: I did understand it but I bet Fuji is a bit miffed

I am bored wish I was on the bike, but back won't allow. Observing in the morning haven't done that for ages any tips?

Bit different to setting out a club trial? As someome has said before how do you set it out to take marks of Bou and not make it impossible for the rest?

Our good friend Perce has been out getting some training in. He announced that he was 'mounted'! on a new bike this year, only to be reveiled at 'Weigh In'. Well the Paparazzi have been up in Swaledale and caught a snap of him on his new bike.......... Our other friend Kinnel, has sold his beloved Beta (Beta man through and through) so has not attended the SSDT since. He too has been caught on a new model and has vowed to return? This model is much quicker on the roads! he now wants to be known as ''The King of the Road''.................to Mallaig. He is currently testing fuel consumption

Ok to keep HL happy and the other female TC users here's one for you, only one mind normal procedure resumes under this post..................... In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward.. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

No trying to flag down Western Isles Recovery.................Out of fuel

I heard that the FIM are struggling to make a set of rules so a new Company has come in. . . . .. OCTAGON

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had owas a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!" The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fianc

I see from the Colmore entry list a certain Mick Boam is on one!

Hmmm let me have a check '83, '84, '85' '86, '87 .............too many years to check it would take too long I can tell you something though I have never cleaned the top one at Forest Gate best I think was a dab, some 3's and some similar to yours.

Women are like carpets? You never have any problems if you ''Lay em right first time''

I phoned the shop no answer? His phone must have been on vibrate !!!! You started Justin so we blame you

Edited

He didn't fair too well in the top one either....... Take 10 and move on Maybe he was testing the tilt sensor on the Mont????