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steveo

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Posts posted by steveo
 
 
  1. The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

    The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours

    before it can be rectified".

    Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

    On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

    "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

    Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

    Tiger: "Why is that?"

    Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

    Tiger: "You're a day late."

  2. History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word

    10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

    9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

    8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

    7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

    6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

    5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

    4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

    3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945

    2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

    And ... drum roll ...,,,,,..

    The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ....

    "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

  3. SOCIALISM

    You have 2 cows.

    You give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and

    gives you some milk.

    FASCISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both

    and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes

    both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM

    You have 2 cows. The State takes

    both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws

    the milk away...

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.

    You sell one and buy a bull.

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

    You sell them and retire on the income.

    SURREALISM

    You have two giraffes.

    The

    government requires you to take harmonica lessons

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You sell one, and force the other to

    produce the milk of four cows.

    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why

    the cow has dropped dead.

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using

    letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then

    execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that

    you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an

    intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the

    majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to

    your listed company.The annual report says the

    company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,

    leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

    The public then buys your bull.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You go on strike,

    organise a riot, and block the roads, because

    you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You redesign them so they are

    one-tenth the size of an ordinary

    cow and produce twenty times the milk.

    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and

    market it worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,

    eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows, but

    you don't know where they are.

    You decide to have lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You count them and learn you have five cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

    You stop counting cows and open another

    bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION

    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You have 300 people milking them.

    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine

    productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

    You tell them that you have none.

    No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade

    your country.You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of

    Democracy....

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    Business seems pretty good.

    You close the office and go for a few

    beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    The one on the left looks very attractive

  4. Hi guy's, thanks for your replies, i have the slow tube on her anyway as she always seemed to be a hand full with the fast throttle tube, but if the gearing is a way out that may explain my lack of grip, the sprockets are becoming worn anyway so i think i'll change to a 42 and see how that goes, quite frustrating when your stuck halfway up a hill with the rear spinning while your mate's fly past you. when i bought the bike she was road registered so i wonder if she's had the tall gearing for that :rolleyes:

    Fellow you bought it froms name was V. Rossi ! right ?

  5. Hi Lightfoot, You have a 09 Gas Gas 250 that is fitted with a 28ml keihen and a fast action throttle, (white tube) ?

    I would suggest you fit the standard dellorto that you received with your bike to feel the difference, this will give you an indication of how much more responsive and aggressive the keihen transforms the motor characteristics.

    The bikes previous owner may have been a more experienced rider and was looking for the instant hit the Keihen delivers, and there is no denying the Keihen holds it tune better and can be tuned so much more easily and accurately compared to the dellorto.

  6. The keihen is akin to a supercharger on a GasGas. MotoMerlins suggestion of fitting a dellorto will tame it down immediately. Better still is a 26ml OKO for the accurate tuning and super smooth running characteristics of a Keihen without the aggression. Fit a slow throttle tube as well.

  7. The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the

    IRS office.

    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with

    his attorney.

    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle

    and no full-time employment, Which you explain by

    saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the

    IRS finds that believable.'

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.

    'How about a demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my

    own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw

    drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can

    bite my other eye.'

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three

    grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to

    get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six

    thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,

    and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and

    never get a drop anywhere in

    between.'

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks

    carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could

    possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees

    again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily,

    he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much

    urinates all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just

    turned a major loss into a huge win..

    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa

    told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me

    twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and

    p*** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about

    it!'

    I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

  8. There a couple of really good vids on scoring.

    The first vid where one of the riders demonstrating comes to the LHS of the bike with both feet but keeping his left foot planted on the peg and both hands on the bars, then changes gear with his right foot looks very wrong but it does meet the wording of our rules over here too. I tried it a couple of times today and it feels like a five should come into play. Weird!!!

  9. The most important thing is the observer is consitent and fair over the entire marking of a particular section. The marking will vary from observer to observer and there's no reason why it can't vary from event to event with the same observer. The point is that a section that sees nothing but fives, despite some extremly good rides, because the observer does not use his/her discretion appropriately achieves nothing and is frustrating for the riders, the organisers and the spectators.

    and yes backward is a five, but we're talking about the real marginal cases here, for example, when a rider sets off from a standstill, the bike make rock back a cm or so as he transfers his weight over the rear wheel and engages the clutch, would you honestly mark that as a five?

    Being an observer and being consistant in your assessment of riders attempts is what everyone agrees on. If a section is so difficult that all riders are incuring a five does not give the observer the right to use his discresion on rewarding what he thinks is a better attempt than most others when a failure has occured. A more skilled five is still a five. If at the end of the day if all riders have received a five that is not the fault of the observer. If the section set has proved too tough he should not feel obliged to get lenient as the day wears on because it is frustrating.

    The cm roll back is still back and this is where it gets challenging on the observers and riders and some of the gamesmanship starts.

  10. Not penalising a rider according to the rules is basically unfair on the riders who ride correctly.

    I fully agree with you on this this.

    Many markers say they give a little leeway if riders have a moment where they slide back just a little. They are in effect rewarding a poor ride, at the end of the day his score will not reflect this rider error. If it happens on a harder part of a section each lap by a few lenient markers it really can give an inaccurate picture of a riders performance over the whole days event. Four attempts where a five should have been applied puts a very big dent in a score were a kind hearted clean was given.

    Failing a section at any point in the section should see the rider exit the section. To continue the marked path of his graded ride gives him an unfair advantage for his next attempt the following lap. His early failure, even if timing is being used negates his right to use that time to continue his marked route.

  11. Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

    "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

    "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

    "You silly idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

    "Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too scared to cough"

  12. some women have worked us out.

    1. Men are like

    Laxatives

    They irritate the crap out of you.

    2

    Men are like.

    Bananas

    The older they get, the less firm they are.

    3.Men are like

    Weather

    Nothing can be done to change

    Them.

    4.

    Men are like

    Blenders

    You need One, but you're not quite sure why..

    5.

    Men are like

    Chocolate Bars

    Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right

    For your hips.

    6. Men are like

    Commercials

    You can't believe a word they say.

    7.

    Men are like

    Department Stores

    Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

    8.

    Men are like

    Government Bonds

    .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

    9.

    Men are like

    Mascara

    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    10.

    Men are like

    Popcorn

    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    11.

    Men are like

    Snowstorms

    You never know when they're coming, how many

    Inches you'll get or how long it will last.

    12.

    Men are like

    Lava Lamps

    Fun to look at, but not very bright.

    13..

    Men are like

    Parking Spots

    All the good ones are taken, the rest are

    Handicapped.

  13. Steveo...the worrying thing is that this story is true, my mate who worked for SAGE (accountancy software) here in the North East had exactly the same type of caller many years ago.

    You have posted the abridged version, the original call was passed up the supervisory chain several times until the caller mentioned that the street lights were out!

    My mate got his a*** kicked for losing his cool but he did say that the nature of the business (dealing with accountancy types ) normally precludes dealing with numpties .

    Tell your mate I like his form ! :)

  14. Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

    Caller:

    'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

    Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

    Caller:

    'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

    Operator:

    'Went away?'

    Caller:

    'They disappeared.'

    Operator:

    'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

    Caller:

    Nothing.'

    Operator:

    'Nothing??'

    Caller:

    'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

    Operator:

    'Are you still in wordPerfect, or did you get out??'

    Caller: 'How do I tell?'

    Operator:

    'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

    Caller:

    'What's a sea-prompt?'

    Operator:

    'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

    Caller:

    'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

    Operator:

    'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

    Caller:

    'What's a monitor?'

    Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light

    that tells you when it's on??'

    Caller:

    'I don't know.'

    Operator:

    'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. can you see that??'

    Caller:

    'Yes, I think so.'

    Operator:

    'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

    Caller:

    'Yes, it is.'

    Operator:

    'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there

    were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

    Caller:

    'No.'

    Operator:

    'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

    Caller:

    'Okay, here it is.'

    Operator:

    'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

    Caller:

    'I can't reach.'

    Operator:

    'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

    Caller:

    'No.'

    Operator:

    'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

    Caller:

    'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

    Operator:

    'Dark??'

    Caller:

    'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

    Operator:

    'Well, turn on the office light then.'

    Caller:

    'I can't.'

    Operator:

    'No? Why not??'

    Caller:

    'Because there's a power failure.'

    Operator: 'A power.........

    A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now.

    Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

    Caller:

    'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

    Operator:

    'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.

    Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

    Caller:

    'Really? is it that bad?'

    Operator:

    'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

    Caller:

    'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

    Operator:

    'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer.'

 
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