slapshot 3

But they won't let anyone near to get it Gav.. ;-) Anyway topical gag: I used to go out with a girl who worked in a petrol station. I was absolutely gutted when she dumped me. Now I can't drive past the station without filling up!

You're right.....Gav is about 140 miles northeast....ish of Aberdeen....bringing the stuff out for us

Woo Hoo Kenny reaches 100 pages Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name. "Walter," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Walter?" "I have four questions: First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs? Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?" “Actually, I have two questions: First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? Second, what the feck happened to Walter?"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied, "No, this is the manager of the ice-rink."

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "Ten quid!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a feckin liar. He's never been out of the garden."

Testicle Disorder A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman... As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. "

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school because they had a reputation for getting excellent results. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't f**king about.'

Her indoors phoned me and said that the windows were frozen and what should she do. I said to throw some warm water on or use the spray out of the garage She then called back and said the computer wouldn't work at all now and should she worry about all the sparks

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put 50 euros in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 euros on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ........ I'm telling everybody!'

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French." A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless." Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it?

Puns anyone...... A man goes to his psychiatrist. "Doctor, you've got to help me," he says. "I keep thinking that I'm a well-known psychoanalyst." "How long has this been going on?" asks the shrink. "Well," the man replies, "it all started when I was Jung..." A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. Prison walls are never built to scale. We were mountain trekking when my friend's lederhausen started falling apart. I quickly used a needle and thread to strengthen my own shorts and a stitch in twine saved mine. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other went to a family in Spain who named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.” If a wife thinks she's always right, will she find she's left by her husband? A criminal's best asset is his lie ability. A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be. Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart" So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play?" And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!" Credit Crunch latest news: In London, the Isle of Dogs Bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each: Port Left Starboard Right

Did you hear of the Dutchman who designed the blow up shoe? He popped his clogs. ---------------------------------- Got chucked out the pub quiz the other night the question that I answered, obviously wrong, was "Where do women have the curliest hair? The answer was, apparently, Fiji...

An Arab gets in a taxi.......... Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ....... So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: "What are you doing man?" The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so pi$$ off and wait for the next camel."