slapshot 3

Spot on Pete, this is the best it's been

There are a lot of brits who are country folks....most of them are politicians as well.... I guess it's on the cards, we're staying where we are cutting England off at Hadrians Wall and pushing them closer to France. ughhhh horrid thought. you well??

Specially for my Texan mate..... George Bush met The Queen on a state visit and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the USA is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom" The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush". Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

www.trialsads.com perhaps....front page, plenty good used bikes on there

Poor Bob Holness, only through the pearly gates 5 minutes when Amy Winehouse pops up and says "Can I have a E please Bob"

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away. The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves. Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap. Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

It's hourly plumbed "training" videos he's more into. Happy Christmas Punters

Bill Clinton was walking down the corridors of the White House when he bumped into a girl.

Not sure but that looks awfy like full MRS kit....

You know why Kim Jong Il was always such a miserable wee beggar......he'd never held an election ------------------- at least he was old, it would have been a tragedy if he'd been Jung --------------------------- If he was Pa Jong was his wife Mah Jong. ------------------------

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." ---------------------------------- Insanity therapy!! (got these from Gizza....must be an expert.. ) 1. At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars .... see if they slow down!! 2 Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 3 Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has recovered from their caffeine addiction, switch to Expresso. 4 Skip down the hall rather than walking. See how many strange looks you get 5 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face 6 Sing along at the opera. 7 Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party, because you have a headache. 8 When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I won!' 9 When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, screaming 'Run for your lives! They're loose!' 10 Tell your children, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.' And finally, to maintain a healthy level of insanity:- 11 PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. ------------------------------------- A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts, 'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.' He looks at her and says angrily, 'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'. 'Fine!' she says Then the wife asks, 'well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right' to which he replied, 'fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have 'fridgidaire' written on my forehead? I don't think so!' 'Fine!' she says 'Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break' she says. 'I'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!' So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours................ He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. Honey, he asks, 'how did all this get fixed?' She said, 'well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.' The Husband said, 'so what kind of cake did you bake?' she replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!' ------------------------------- For Sale: Small green boiler suit.........apply North Korean Embassy...

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on an old ladys door. As she opens it and before she could say anything he pours a big bag of dog sh!te on the rug. "Dont worry madam, if this cleaner doesnt pick up every last piece I will eat what's left!" "Well I hope you're hungry " she says "because I had the electricity cut off 3 days ago!" ------------------------------ A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers. Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice. "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope." His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." "I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!" ----------------------- Baldrick's take on the Euro Baldrick: "What I want to know sir, is before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs" Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?" Baldrick: "Yes sir" Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980's there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial metldown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises". Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it sir". Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan". Baldrick: "What was that then sir?" Blackadder: "It was b*****ks". --------------------------------- I've just got out of the police cells after being arrested as part of the Christmas drink/drive campaign. The WPC asked how much I'd had to drink in the last 24 hours. Apparently "Not enough to sh@g you" was a bad answer..................... ----------------------------- The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?" ----------------------------------

No, it's the bike/car combo but yeah i did notice the Registration SDT 197 S. Whats more the SD was an Ayrshire plate!

John...there's a familiarity about this pic from somewhere in the depth of my mind......any ideas. It's a random image off another website

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the sh!t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" ------------------------------- "Redneck" Joke A man from New York was driving through the deep South and accidentally struck two black men walking down the road. One flew up in through the windshield and the other flew out into a cotton patch. The man dialed 911 and by the time the local sheriff arrived the man was in a near panic. "What happens now?" the man asked. The sheriff surveys the area and says "Well... that one over there we can get for leaving the scene of an accident, and this one over here we'll get for breaking and entering." ---------------------------------------

A ventriloquist was mid-way through his act (which was going down well with the audience), when he started on

There was a little fellow sitting in a pub having a quiet drink when this thug comes up to him and hits him about the head, saying "thats Kung Fu from Japan". A little while later the thugs hits him again, this time stating "thats Karate from Korea." The little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug, knocking him out cold. He says to the barman "when that tosser wakes up, tell him that was a shovel from B&Q. . . "

If Santa Answered His Letters Honestly.....makes you feel warm and fuzzy ... Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in Bin-emptying. How about I send you a book so that you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, I bet! Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's going to give that up to come back to your frigid mother, who fleeces him constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Lego instead. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some Nike trainers, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I left milk and biscuits for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of malt Whisky. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China . I have a villa in Spain where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.... I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the bums of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the cards table. Well,, you wanted to know. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ********************************************* Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging sh!t may work with your parents, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a jumper again. Santa ********************************************* Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your a*** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent Council flat . Third, I get inside your place just like the bogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Ooo! Sweet dreams, Santa

Last night gav reached for his liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. Apparently he woke this morning with a huge correction. ------------------------- My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ then I saw her face. ---------------------- I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary. --------------------------------- My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. ----------------------------- I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' ---------------------------- Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready! ----------------------- Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*****d, I was talking to the cat!' ------------------------------- I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' ----------------------------------- Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............ "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving a feckin gritter......." ------------------------------ The Rabbi's widow In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it is good to have sex." So they did, then she lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father,Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it is good to have sex." So they did.They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it is good to have sex." So they did.After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying is good to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?" She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn