Actually you're both right, you each have different views and unfortunately that's what causes the problems, everyone thinks their view is the priority view.
The boss lady is just gearing up for the first round of the Scottish Champs in April and she has 12 different classes to look after. These are valid groupings and designed in part to bring folk out onto bikes that are lying in sheds, but where do you stop??
These classes don't even delve into the quagmire that is classics!!! Ye canny pleae a'body :rolleyes:
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.... She's 21 and her name's Melanie
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's , his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' she replied, 'You're having soup, I was talking to the dogs'
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that: Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.
This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
Little Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. I had *** all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got *** all for breakfast'.
There was a Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic Church and a Jewish Synagogue in a small town. Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many in number there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter. Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but by all accounts they took one squirrel and circumcised him…….. they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Arriving home, Justin was met by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Justin jumped in his van and drove down to confront the Chemist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute... Mate, hear my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late. Without breakfast I hurried out to the car to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I Had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing. Then I had to break open a bag of one and two pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her..........
A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.
"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."
The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.
Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.
God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them buggers ugly again."
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
You look really sexy in that ...thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail.. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means!
But alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes master! I'll balance your chequebook. Yes master! I'll run your silly little programme. Don't get me wrong... I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion?
Maybe instead of just ramming the CD in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards?
I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and... and.... what?
Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night! The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "he needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.
So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.
Good Grief Justin's back..... means I better post some new gags as well......
After being married for 50 years, Justin took a careful look at his wife one day and said,
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a £750,000 home, a £45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
Now Pippa is a very reasonable woman. She told Justin to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that once again he'd be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nigel Farage has sent his warmest congratulations to Manchester City for their unwavering commitment to getting out of Europe.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honour?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "It’s wise never to book a judge by his cover."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Englichman, Sctsman and an Irishman are visiting the Vatican. They take a wrong turning and end up in the Pope's bedroom. The Pope has a massive heart attack and dies in front of them. One of the Pope's aides asks them to keep quiet, and the news would be announced to the World in a couple of days time. The three see this as an opportunity to make some easy money, and visit the bookies on their return home and place bets on the Pope dying in the next few days. When the news is announced, they meet in a pub, to discuss their luck. " I got 50-1, and won £5000" says the Englishman. "I got 100-1, and won £10000" says Jock. "I was unlucky" says Paddy, " I put him in a £100 treble with the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Chief Rabbi".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"And the winning ticket is number 11," Murphy called at the charity raffle.
Everybody looked around to see who had won the prize but no one had their hand up.
"Didn't you have ticket number 11 Paddy?" Murphy asked.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A
=================================
Ten Thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska.
They hadn't actually intended to do this.
They got lost and couldn't get their Berings Strait.
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The group of cowboys riding with the sheriff was not gaining on the outlaws at all.
The sheriff asked for suggestions.
One of the cowboys said, "We could add a male bovine to our group."
:chairfall:
:rolleyes:
Rip Mick
in General Trials Talk
Posted
Cant say much else, decent bloke who ever had a bad word to say about anyone, the trials world lost a good friend today rest in peace Mick