A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"Ten quid!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a feckin liar. He's never been out of the garden."
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained.
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school because they had a reputation for getting excellent results. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't f**king about.'
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ........ I'm telling everybody!'
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it?
A man goes to his psychiatrist. "Doctor, you've got to help me," he says. "I keep thinking that I'm a well-known psychoanalyst." "How long has this been going on?" asks the shrink. "Well," the man replies, "it all started when I was Jung..."
A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
Prison walls are never built to scale.
We were mountain trekking when my friend's lederhausen started falling apart. I quickly used a needle and thread to strengthen my own shorts and a stitch in twine saved mine.
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other went to a family in Spain who named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.”
If a wife thinks she's always right, will she find she's left by her husband?
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
Credit Crunch latest news: In London, the Isle of Dogs Bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual.
He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up.
Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.
Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters.
He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Unless I am mistaken (which is often the case) the new version can be customised to show specific 'new posts' where the old version just showed my content. Plus I feel that it can be accessed easier too.
My eyes are old, and it certainly feels like an improvement to me.
George Bush met The Queen on a state visit and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the USA is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?",
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr
Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
Not even close (well, perhaps the barely legal stuff in my youth ) I get my kicks out the Snap-on catalogue and Ninja monthly
I couldn't care less what they're trying to advertise, I mearly had an interest in the tunes and the fact they were performed by some rather nice looking young ladies! If Jeff Goldblum floats yer boat then who am I to argue 'tis a good ad though
GJ
It's hourly plumbed "training" videos he's more into.
The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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Insanity therapy!! (got these from Gizza....must be an expert.. )
1. At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars .... see if they slow down!!
2 Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
3 Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has recovered from their caffeine addiction, switch to Expresso.
4 Skip down the hall rather than walking. See how many strange looks you get
5 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face
6 Sing along at the opera.
7 Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party, because you have a headache.
8 When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I won!'
9 When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, screaming 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'
10 Tell your children, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
And finally, to maintain a healthy level of insanity:-
11 PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts, 'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.'
He looks at her and says angrily, 'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'. 'Fine!' she says
Then the wife asks, 'well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right' to which he replied, 'fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have 'fridgidaire' written on my forehead?
I don't think so!' 'Fine!' she says
'Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break' she says.
'I'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours................ He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home
As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
Honey, he asks, 'how did all this get fixed?'
She said, 'well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'
The Husband said, 'so what kind of cake did you bake?' she replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'
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For Sale:
Small green boiler suit.........apply North Korean Embassy...
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on an old ladys door. As she opens it and before she could say anything he pours a big bag of dog sh!te on the rug.
"Dont worry madam, if this cleaner doesnt pick up every last piece I will eat what's left!"
"Well I hope you're hungry " she says "because I had the electricity cut off 3 days ago!"
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A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house.
When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"
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Baldrick's take on the Euro
Baldrick: "What I want to know sir, is before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used.
And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980's there were many different countries all running their own finances and using
different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal.
They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial metldown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it sir".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then sir?"
Blackadder: "It was b*****ks".
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I've just got out of the police cells after being arrested as part of the Christmas drink/drive campaign.
The WPC asked how much I'd had to drink in the last 24 hours.
Apparently "Not enough to sh@g you" was a bad answer.....................
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The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage,
her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
'tis a good ad though 
Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour
in Anything goes
Posted · Edited by Slapshot 3
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"Ten quid!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a feckin liar. He's never been out of the garden."