A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the sh!t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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"Redneck" Joke
A man from New York was driving through the deep South and accidentally struck two black men walking down the road. One flew up in through the windshield and the other flew out into a cotton patch.
The man dialed 911 and by the time the local sheriff arrived the man was in a near panic. "What happens now?" the man asked.
The sheriff surveys the area and says "Well... that one over there we can get for leaving the scene of an accident, and this one over here we'll get for breaking and entering."
There was a little fellow sitting in a pub having a quiet drink when this thug comes up to him and hits him about the head, saying "thats Kung Fu from Japan".
A little while later the thugs hits him again, this time stating "thats Karate from Korea."
The little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug, knocking him out cold. He says to the barman "when that tosser wakes up, tell him that was a shovel from B&Q. . . "
If Santa Answered His Letters Honestly.....makes you feel warm and fuzzy ...
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in Bin-emptying. How about I send you a book so that you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, I bet! Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's going to give that up to come back to your frigid mother, who fleeces him constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Lego instead. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some Nike trainers, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and biscuits for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of malt Whisky. Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a villa in Spain where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.... I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the bums of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the cards table. Well,, you wanted to know. Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging sh!t may work with your parents, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a jumper again. Santa
*********************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your a*** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent Council flat . Third, I get inside your place just like the bogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Ooo! Sweet dreams, Santa
Tim, were you an alter boy? did you have a bad experience at Church when you were younger? Cos that Dr. Who stuff was complete tosh, worse than a sixth form drama class, it's so formulaic...
Act 1 Scene one,
Cursory introduction of 'red-shirt' (i.e an incidental character in science-fiction who dies soon after being introduced).No close-ups required.
Scene two,
Basic scene setting for this weeks new enemy/location/battle etc.. so it's not long before:-
Actor A or B or C or D; looks up to the camera (15 degrees off straight ahead) and shouts:-
i) 'IT'S GOING TO EXPLODE' or
ii) 'IF THEY SUCCEED THEN WE'LL ALL DIE' or
ii) 'WE ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE' or
iv) 'IF WE CAN ONLY DIVERT THE POWER' or some other ****
Camera zooms in on actors face to emphasise anger/angst/fear/commitment.
Scene three,
Actor A/B/C/D shouts 'RUN !!'
then ,from out of nowhere a corridor appears (which was never previously shown ) for the cast members to run down in Marx Brothers style, goodies first then the baddies.
Scene four,
Some sort of attack/storm/explosion involving the room/vessel that our goodies are in whereupon our cast need to grab onto a flimsy piece of set( paper mache?) and mime like Marcel Marceaux in a tumble drier .Cue; shaky camera work and
Last night gav reached for his liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
Apparently he woke this morning with a huge correction.
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ then I saw her face.
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I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
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My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
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I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
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Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
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Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*****d, I was talking to the cat!'
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I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
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Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving a feckin gritter......."
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The Rabbi's widow
In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.
The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came.
She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it is good to have sex."
So they did, then she lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, "My father,Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it is good to have sex."
So they did.They went to bed after saying their prayers.
When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it is good to have sex."
So they did.After praying all morning, they came home to rest.
Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying is good to have sex."
So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"
Mrs Addict turns over to a cooking programme. The addict says to her, 'why you watching that? you can't cook'
she replied 'Well you watch porn'
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I've just bought a Jehovahs Witness advent calender.Every time you open a window a head pops out and shouts - Bugger off
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Naples, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish
woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing
you did my son, and you have no need to confess
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to
repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and
sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago, and by
doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two
people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of
the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my
mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'Jesus, No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Brilliant move by the ACU and a great step forward.
We cannot continue down the road the sport has gone in the past few years, otherwise there will be bugger all left. The two most important trials on the calendar are No Stop, SSDT and the Scott they work and they work well. No one can say hat those trials are badly laid out, no one can say those are bad trials and thats where BTC is heading.
WTC is a circus and BTC was heading the same way, a championship cannot sustain itself long term with only a few riders, this was inevitable.
These arguments are old hat, I remember the same arguments when Stop came in unfortunately our sport, with a few exceptions, has rapidly gone downhill since. Great move, I'm thouroughly looking forward to see how the future of trials develops.
Seen in my local rag's lonely hearts column, male crossword compiler wishes to meet female crossword compiler, with a view to 1 across: coarse pipe tobacco 5,4.
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Confucius Say
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
I can't complain about anything because we had passes for the Bash on the Ben and anyway I don't think that does any good, the event is done. However, constructively the lack of a trade park and food stalls was disappointing as was the lack of a T shirt stall. The entertainment was pretty good but the gap in the middle of the afternoon without trade or food stalls to keep your attention was noticeable. Last year was that much bigger but that's to be expected of an event that was a whole day longer. We don't know much of the reasons behind the changes so it's difficult to comment. I enjoyed my weekend and the actual trial was pretty mind blowing but it also begs a few questions.
Where does WTC go from here, 10 in Champs class are being kept afloat by a large Junior class. The lack of youths was a disappointment and for me Bou is so far ahead that there appears little point in the rest turning up. Raga was the muttz nuts this weekend but he can't maintain the consistency and without wishing to demean the efforts of everyone else they are a step behind. I don't see any talent simmering in the Juniors or Youth Group that could step up to challenge.
I think the sport needs wholesale change of some sort to make it more competitive at the top end and to try and find some way of reinvigorating that sport at every level. Wish I had an answer
Cos that Dr. Who stuff was complete tosh, worse than a sixth form drama class, it's so formulaic...
Calling Professor Moffat
in Anything goes
Posted · Edited by Slapshot 3
No, it's the bike/car combo but yeah i did notice the Registration SDT 197 S.
Whats more the SD was an Ayrshire plate!