kinell Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 To: The citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the Australians, South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. God save the Queen. Only He can. John Cleese Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brian r Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 Misery loves company! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickh Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 unfortunatly american sense of humour as it is they will think this is for real Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brian r Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 Yeah, Stupid Stupid Yanks! They're all the same, no sense of humor, they shoot everyone, crime everyplace. What a horrible place, who'd want to live there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dfwilson Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 unfortunatly american sense of humour as it is they will think this is for real Quite right. By the end of reading the message I had already gathered up my assault rifles, my sniper rifle, 10,000 rounds for each, 100 lb each of hard tack and bacon, a bag of pinto beans, informed my militia network, and headed for the hills. Yee Ha DFW PS I did bring along my two trials bikes. Might need them for recon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 (edited) Kinell is sending her majesty's representative Andy over to Tennessee in April to answer all questions on the subject, and show you how to properly consume said beverages Edited February 22, 2008 by Ishy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickh Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 seem to have hit a nerve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swooshdave Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 (edited) seem to have hit a nerve not really. We don't mind laughing at ourselves. Heck I don't mind when Clarkson rails on us either. 1) can't really argue with the "lack of good candidates" comment 2) it seems we speak a close enough dialect that communication isn't a problem, just a matter of spelling and pronunciation. 3) once the UK is a smooth running ship, there will be a better case for running our little dump. Edited February 22, 2008 by swooshdave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickh Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 not really. We don't mind laughing at ourselves. Heck I don't mind when Clarkson rails on us either.1) can't really argue with the "lack of good candidates" comment 2) it seems we speak a close enough dialect that communication isn't a problem, just a matter of spelling and pronunciation. 3) once the UK is a smooth running ship, there will be a better case for running our little dump. touche' (think thats how its spelt) no offence intended .i thought the sarcasm lept out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brian r Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 Like,were is Wonderboy? We like need him to teach us "proper English", you know? yadda yadda yadda, American's have no sense of humor, Everyone in the UK has bad teeth, blah blah blah...... Use the metric system like the UK? Stone, Mile, are those metric????? Best thing aboutround abouts is the song. Dare I even mention LUCAS ELECTRICS? Now THERE'S a sense of HUMOUR! As far as what we call chips, football, and aluminum, "a rose by any other name" and all that. For goodness sakes, we named a city CHICAGO, which in Indian language means smelly river! We'll give up our guns for vegetable peelers when the criminals give up theirs for can openers! BTW, I haven't sued any one ALL WEEK! You got me on the Hollywood / accent thing. Hugh Laurie does a great job of sounding American! However, Kyra Sedgwick does a horrible job of sounding southern. Um, Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK. Stop watching Oliver Stone movies, I've seen him on Jeopardy, he Ain't too smart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 Andy .......................................... over to Tennessee in April.............. and show you how to properly consume said beverages Don't you want someone who can handle their ale then Ishy... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted February 23, 2008 Report Share Posted February 23, 2008 Dare I even mention LUCAS ELECTRICS? I was always told that LUCAS refrigerators were the reason the brits came to like hot beer! And wahts that little ****ty car they are importing, the MINI Cooper? If you ever put a clutch in one it will make you want to buy a Toyota! A total engineering nightmare! Someone should be SHOT! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brian r Posted February 23, 2008 Report Share Posted February 23, 2008 Hey Cope, SHHHHH! The Mini Cooper is made in Spartanburg SC by BMW (I think). That's one of the German cars Cleese is bragging about I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted February 23, 2008 Report Share Posted February 23, 2008 It is an absolute fact the cars made in the USA are completely crap. Virtually, any European car is better. But..... I would rather live in Chicago than London. I would rather play Golf in Palm Springs than St Andrews. I would rather spend a day on Sunset Beach,California than at Southsea. I would rather ride a trials bike at Sequatchie,Tennessee than at Hawkstone Park The USA is a great great place. Nature has been very kind to her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swooshdave Posted February 23, 2008 Report Share Posted February 23, 2008 Hey Cope, SHHHHH!The Mini Cooper is made in Spartanburg SC by BMW (I think). That's one of the German cars Cleese is bragging about I guess. Building BMWs in AmericaWelcome to BMW Manufacturing Co., the birthplace of every X5 Sports Activity Vehicle, X6 Sports Activity Coupe, Z4 Roadster, M Roadster, Z4 Coupe, M Coupe and soon-to-be X3. Here, at the only BMW factory in the US, we transform dreams into machines. This is where engineering perfection is set against the backdrop of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Where cooperation is found in the work of teams and individuality flourishes in the creation of ideas. A place where the philosophy of BMW thrives and the Ultimate Driving Machine is built. From the horse's mouth, wherever that phrase came from... The redesigned Mini (when BMW finally got to "fix" the English *engineering*) should be a worlds difference in maintenance, aside from the fact that BMW subscribes to the "no-maintenance", er, free maintenance policy. I wouldn't trust modern BMWs past their warranty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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