slapshot 3 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 (edited) A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian...and I think I love you..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very SEXY nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions ... please call the pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: NOW LISTEN TO ME FROG!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel." Edited September 28, 2008 by Slapshot 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted September 28, 2008 Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted September 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2008 'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft. Nice one mate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manx2day Posted September 29, 2008 Report Share Posted September 29, 2008 Did you ever hear about the man who rubbed viagra in his eyes?? He wanted to look hard!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted October 1, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2008 These are from a book and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court stenographers who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS : July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. --------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted October 2, 2008 Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 I see yours are just as astute as ours! Course, it probably was ours! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted October 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 I see yours are just as astute as ours! Course, it probably was ours! Yup, came from a Yank Book...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 2, 2008 Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 (edited) The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!' 'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!' Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .' ................................................................................ ....... WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed...........................Oh S**T WIFE: - silence Edited October 2, 2008 by GIZZA5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted October 2, 2008 Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 Slapshot 3 Posted Today, 12:22 AMYup, came from a Yank Book...... So would that be Playboy or Hustler? Think about it.......those of us with a juvenile sense of humor will get it right away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted October 2, 2008 Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. milling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least that bi*ch knows I'm smarter than her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted October 2, 2008 Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 So would that be Playboy or Hustler?Think about it.......those of us with a juvenile sense of humor will get it right away. SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted October 2, 2008 Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 and finally :- Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted October 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2008 Think about it.......those of us with a juvenile sense of humor will get it right away. Which covers about 90% of us on here..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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