slapshot 3 Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 The Soldier and the Nun A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.' After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .' The nun said, 'I understand completely.' The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!' The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Some from the Silsden web site Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem. The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's Land Rover to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' THERE'S MORE.... Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting..... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four. 'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Young Paddy, moved to Roscommon and bought a Donkey from a farmer for Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mary had a little lamb....she carried it in a bucket....and every time the lamb got out.... the bulldog used to "put it back in again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon sat round the beakfast table....... daddy balloon say's "son, me and your mum are fed up with you coming into our bed every night, your a big balloon now and it has to stop" the next night baby balloon can't resist, he sneaks into his parents bedroom and tries to squeeze in the middle of his mum and dad.......... ...... but he can't quite fit. he decides to let a little air out of daddy balloon. He still can't quite fit in the middle. He decides to let a little air out of mummy balloon.....but still he can't fit inbetween. Finally as a last resort he let's a little air out of himself. Perfect fit. The next morning baby balloon awakes to find mummy and daddy balloon stood over him. "son" says daddy balloon "we are very disappointed with you. You've let me down, you've let your mum down but worst of all... .... you've let yourself down! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would walk home. On the way home he stopped by the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem, how to carry his entire purchase home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little ole' lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1903 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, " Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house... I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The little old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken uner each arm and carry the goose in the other hand." "why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said,"Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?" The farmer said," Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens,and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, set the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 A man owned a small farm in Silsden. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,'replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a Healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in Tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet Came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years Ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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