daymoiom Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Please tell me thats true!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 Newsflash:; Gordon Brown was injured today when a car reversed over him, the police have urged the driver to come forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted November 17, 2009 Report Share Posted November 17, 2009 BLONDE JOKE Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad. Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?" Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man." Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods." "Don't be so silly", Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it." Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about." Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage." "So, how's that going to help you get a man?" asked Liz. Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) A guy goes into a bar with a crocodile. The barman says "You can't bring that in here! " The guy says, " Well this crocodile does tricks" The barman says " What tricks ? " The Guys says, "Let me show you" With that, the guy asks the crocodile to open his mouth wide, and the crocodile does. He then drops out his todger and puts it in the crocs mouth. He takes a piece of 4" x 2" and whacks the croc on the head. The Croc doesn't flinch at all! The guy pulls his todger out and zips up his fly and says, "What do you think about that then?" The barman is amazed and says, " Well that's incredible" and shouts to everyone in the room, " If anyone of you wants to have a go at that, it will be free drinks all night!" Deadly silence..... Then this old lady in the corner says, "I will have a go, as long as he don't hit me over the head like he did that crocodile! " Edited November 18, 2009 by AtomAnt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted November 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Ian where you been? thats one of my favourite Bernard Manning jokes that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 Ian where you been? thats one of my favourite Bernard Manning jokes that I know its an old one but its funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted November 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 (edited) I have found the Bernard Manning/Atom joke on youtube Heres the link, its at 8.04, one of my real favourites is at 7.04, this is a 10 min video, if your easily offended please don't click the link. Bernard is my favourite stand up, yes well out of date these days, but a great man and made millions laugh all over the world, never got to see him on stage and sadly never will now Enjoy Edited November 18, 2009 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 Some funny jokes in this topic, but some are getting racist enough to prompt complaints. Also, remember kids read these forums so keep the smut to the "seaside postcard" variety please! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted November 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 Sorry Andy, I take full responsibility for lowering the tone of the thread, prob last few posts I have done leaving the door open for the likes of Ham and Copey lol, (good though) Heres how we mean to go on lads, (for the near future anyway) John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 Sorry Andy, I take full responsibility for lowering the tone of the thread, prob last few posts I have done leaving the door open for the likes of Ham and Copey lol, (good though)Heres how we mean to go on lads, (for the near future anyway) John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?" He lead me astray :- Male Date-Drug Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted November 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 He lead me astray 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted November 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Aw,Andy it took me ages to type that Taliban test. Just because I posted the key words; Taliban,Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher,Wedding,US Airforce.....all at once, I now have an American mini-van (with blacked out windows) parked outside my house ! Andy you're a stool pigeon.. .. and I don't look good in orange overalls...it's not my colour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Aw,Andy it took me ages to type that Taliban test.Just because I posted the key words; Taliban,Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher,Wedding,US Airforce.....all at once, I now have an American mini-van (with blacked out windows) parked outside my house ! Andy you're a stool pigeon.. .. and I don't look good in orange overalls...it's not my colour. Don't buy a Scorpa then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Some funny jokes in this topic, but some are getting racist enough to prompt complaints. Also, remember kids read these forums so keep the smut to the "seaside postcard" variety please! Yeah, lets have a good saffie/kiwi/aussie joke again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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