Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

[slapshot 3]

Git.......

[copemech]

Git.......

Good observation there Gizza!

Next joke!

Achmed(alias Addict) is peddling dildo's and flip flop's sandals on Ebay as a colour package Crimbo deal for the wife! Pink is in!

I gotta get in on this, as if she does not like the flip flop's, she can go ---k er'self!

Edited November 26, 2009 by copemech

[copemech]

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What

[slapshot 3]

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Catholic Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was quite understandably nervous. However, her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. I cook pasta. You go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!"

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs in panic to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up our poor Maria went again. When she got up there, the patient groom Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Step aside," said the mother. "You stay here and stir the pasta. I'm going upstairs. This job is for Mama!"

------------------------------------------------------------

Retirement

After working at the local jelly factory for the past 10 years, I have decided to leave. I was getting too set in my ways.

I milked cows for forty years and all I got in retirement was a pat on the back!

I used to work in a sewage farm. In the end I had to quit, as I was just going through the motions

I used to be an artist, I could always draw a crowd.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Billy was driving along the M2 when he got stuck in a traffic jam on the way to Belfast. Suddenly a man knocks on the window, Billy rolls down the window and asks

[slapshot 3]

NB: Vaguely religeous but unoffensive....unless you are a 7-foot tall grizzly bear!!

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

-------------------------------------------------------

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that...

[the addict]

Donald, done us proud there mate thanks haha the Italian virgin one is a bloody cracker, PMSL and Gizza will like the X Factor one

[copemech]

Yea, you can trust him!

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor that

Edited November 26, 2009 by copemech

[copemech]

Slapshot goes to the local Chineese buffet for lunch!

The rest of this joke is so old, I cannot tell it!

Ah, well, the punchline:

You leave now, you be here fo fow howa! No mor slimp! You Fat, you gonow! Come back tomowwaw!

[toofasttim]

Yea, you can trust him!

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor that

[steveo]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going

to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long

time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there

he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She

watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using

a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an

interview.

Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your

name?

Morris Fishbein, he replied.

Sir, how long have you been coming

to the Western Wall and praying?

For about 60 years

60 years! That's

amazing! What do you pray for?

I pray for peace between the Christians,

Jews and the Muslims.

I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and

to love their fellow man.

How do you feel after doing this for 60

years?

Like I'm talking to a f8cking brick wall!"

[the addict]

[b40rt]

Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,

who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was,

snce his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

Why the early bird gets the worm;

Life isn't always fair;

and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more

than you can earn)

and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but

overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a

classmate;

teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;

and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,

only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job

that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent

to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform

parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar

in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to

realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her

lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,

by his wife, Discretion,

by his daughter, Responsibility,

and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.

If not, join the majority and do nothing

[the addict]

Nice post mate, all sadly very true, a good reminder of how things have gone and quickly at that

[steveo]

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller:

'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller:

'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator:

'Went away?'

Caller:

'They disappeared.'

Operator:

'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller:

Nothing.'

Operator:

'Nothing??'

Caller:

'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator:

'Are you still in wordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator:

'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller:

'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator:

'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller:

'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator:

'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller:

'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light

that tells you when it's on??'

Caller:

'I don't know.'

Operator:

'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. can you see that??'

Caller:

'Yes, I think so.'

Operator:

'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:

'Yes, it is.'

Operator:

'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there

were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller:

'No.'

Operator:

'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller:

'Okay, here it is.'

Operator:

'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller:

'I can't reach.'

Operator:

'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller:

'No.'

Operator:

'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller:

'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator:

'Dark??'

Caller:

'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator:

'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller:

'I can't.'

Operator:

'No? Why not??'

Caller:

'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power.........

A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller:

'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator:

'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.

Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller:

'Really? is it that bad?'

Operator:

'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller:

'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator:

'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer.'