zippy Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 PA. Posted Today, 01:27 AM You have read the story now see the movie. Kenny the Rooster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Oh you lucky boys, just got 7 pages of new (ish) gags...... Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want". The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The manager of an office wants to motivate his staff so he puts up a sign saying "THINK" above the basin in the staff restroom. Upon returning he finds a new sign above the dispenser saying "THOAP" -------------------------------------------------------------- A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "A pint of lager please barman. Oh, and a mop" ---------------------------------------------------------- A gorilla walks into a pub, goes to up to the barman and say`s `beer`. nervously the barman serves the beer. After half a dozen pints, the barman goes to where the gorilla is standing and say`s, don`t see many of your type around`. The gorilla replies` I am not suprised at Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 From the late, great Les Dawson - The mother-in-law said to me "When you die, I'll dance on your grave". I said, "Good - I'm being buried at sea". ------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor, Doctor, I keep wanting to cover myself in gold paint. Don't worry it's only a gilt complex. --------------------------------------------------------------- Two squid are having a row. "I saw you with that pretty young octopus again!" the female screams. "No, dear, you've got it all wrong," protests the male. "Our relationship's purely planktonic!" ------------------------------------------------ Man walks into a pub. The barman says "I bet you can't get those pieces of meat off the ceiling". The man says, "I'm not taking that bet". "Why not?", says the barman. The man replies, "Because the steaks are too high..." ----------------------------------------------------------- Two neutrons walk into a bar and order a couple of pints of lager. The first neutron goes for his wallet and the barman says, "It's OK, there's no charge...." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the Mexican fireman call his twin sons? HoseA and HoseB ----------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm. He chooses a table, carefully puts the tarmac on one of the chairs and walks up to the bar. "I'll have a pint of lager", he says to the barman before indicating to the tarmac "And one for the road". ------------------------------------------------------- How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb? One -------------------------------------- Scientists have finally succeeded in cloning the first human being. The clone is said to be so happy that he is beside himself. -------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years ------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a Tellytubby who has been burgled? Tubby! ------------------------------------------------- How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Banana! ----------------------------------------- Q. What makes a tongue depressed? A. A tongue Depresser ---------------------------------------- What you call a man in a raincoat: Mac. What you call a man in two raincoats: Max. What you call a man in two raincoats, standing in a cemetery: Max Bygraves... ---------------------------------------------- Q: What's red and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket! Q: What's blue and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket in disguise! --------------------------------------- A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint. Barman replies "sorry we don't serve food." ------------------------------------------------------- Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide! ------------------------------------------------------ An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "Is this some kind of joke? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't... ------------------------------------------------- What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto! ----------------------------------------------------------- Descartes - To be is to do. Voltaire - To do is to be. Frank Sinatra - Do be do be do. ------------------------------------------ A duck walks into a Pub and asks for a pint, the surprised landlord exclaims "My God a talking duck!" The duck replies "Yeah, I'm working on the building site across the road. I'll be in every lunchtime for two weeks for a pint" "Fine" says the Landlord, and says no more about it. The next day the circus comes to town, and the ringmaster drops into the pub for a pint. The landlord says, "I've got just the thing for you mate! There's a talking duck that comes in here for a pint every lunchtime - If you like, when I see him I'll tell him that you are interested in him." "Oh definitely" says the ringmaster, "Tell him to get in touch as soon as possible!" Without fail the Duck pops in that lunchtime for his pint. The landlord tells the duck about the ringmaster's interest in him. The duck asks "A circus? That's a tent isn't it?" "Yes" replies the Landlord. "It's made of canvas isn't it, with big red stripes on?" enquires the duck. "Yes, that's right, you've got it!" answers the landlord excitedly. "what the hell do they want with a plasterer? -------------------------------------------- They say one in every 5 people are Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family. It's not my Mum or Dad and it's not me. So it must be one of my brothers - Colin or Wan Ho Li. But I think it's Colin. ---------------------------------------------------- Where does a baby monkey sleep? In the apricot. --------------------------------- What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Answer: 'I like your belt'! --------------------------------------------------- Person 1: What's the name of the American city often referred to as the windy city? Person 2: Chicago? Person 1: Yes, very well thanks since I had it serviced! --------------------------------------------------- Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" -------------------------------------------- Two hydrogen atoms sitting at the bar. One is looking very unhappy and depressed. His mate says, "What's up with you then?" The sad atom answers, "I've lost an electron". His mate looks surprised and asks, "Are you sure?" With a sigh the answer comes back, "Yes I'm positive!" ------------------------------------------------- Two sheep in a field. One said to the other "BA AAA BA AAAA BA AAA". The other said: "Blimey, I was going to say that". --------------------------------------------------- Where is the Irish Sea? Between the Irish B and the Irish D! ------------------------------------------------------- What's small, round and giggles? A: A tickled onion ------------------------------------------------ Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy - a German shepherd owner - says "Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink." The other - a Chihuahua owner - says "They'll never let us in with the dogs." The first replies "Just follow my lead" as he dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says "But, this is my Seeing Eye dog", and is allowed in. His friend quickly puts on his sunglasses and makes the same pitch to the doorman. The doorman says: "I've never seen a Chihuahua seeing eye dog." To which the guy responds, "WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!" ----------------------------------------- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. ------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the guy that drowned in his muesli? A strong currant pulled him in! --------------------------------------------------- I lent my friend $10,000 to pay for plastic surgery. I can't get my money back because I don't what he looks like. ---------------------------------------------------------- International surgeon's conference. First a surgeon from UK takes the stand: "we transplanted a lung to sick man. After 6 weeks he recovered and now he looks for a job". Second, a French surgeon: "we took a half of heart from one man and transplanted it to another patient. After 4 weeks both of them are OK and look for a job". And then American surgeon speaks: "we took a person without brain from Texas and put him in White House. After just 2 weeks half of our country looks for a job". -------------------------------------------------------------------- A ghost walks into a pub and says, "I'll have a vodka, please." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits here." ------------------------------------------------------------ A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams... pushes on her ankle and screams, and so it goes. No matter where she touches, her agony is apparent. After some thought, the doctor says "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde". She sheepishly admits that indeed, she is a blonde. "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken." ---------------------------------------------- Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. --------------------------------------- Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it." ------------------------------------- "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." ----------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" ----------------------------------------- Have you seen the latest hairstyle? Young kids are having half their head shaved whilst leaving the other half untouched. It's called the "power cut". ------------------------------------------------ One cow says to another: "Have you heard about mad cow disease?" The other cow thinks and replies: "I am not worried - I am a parrot." ------------------------------------------------------ A man is walking down the street with a cabbage attached to a piece of string. His mate bumps into him and says - why have you got a cabbage attached to a piece of string. He replies - It's not a cabbage, it's a cauli! ------------------------------------------------ A snail is making his way through the woods when he is mugged by two slugs. He goes to the woodland police station to report the crime and, still in some considerable distress, is interviewed by the duty sergeant (probably a squirrel). In an effort to restore order, the sergeant says "Please calm down Mr Snail! It's important that you give us as much information as you can about your attackers so they can't do this sort of thing again. Now did you get a good look at their faces?" The snail replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't - it all happened so quickly!" ----------------------------------------------------- There were 2 eggs in a frying pan, one says to the other - "Blimey, it's hot in here" The other replies - "Arrgggh! A talking egg"! ----------------------------------------- I went to the doctor and said, "I think i'm a pig" - "How long have you felt like that?" he replied..."About three weeeeek weeeek weeeeeks! ------------------------------------------------------------ I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 You have read the story now see the movie. How did you get Silvester Stallone to act that for you ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 How did you get Silvester Stallone to act that for you ? Connections. Real cliff hanger isn't it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Okay, it's not really a "joke", but it made me laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted December 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 wonder how long mommy took to come up with that idea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 I MUST get to Home Depot more often!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted December 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Donald, Kenny loves you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted December 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 40 scousers arrive at the gates of heaven. St Peter said "We've only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in" Five minutes later St Peter say's to God "They've gone" God replies "What, all 40 of them?" St peter replies "No, The ****ing gates".... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted December 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 An Irish man takes his goldfish to the vet, He tells the vet "I think he suffer's from epilepsy" Vet say's "He looks fine to me" Paddy say's "Wait till I take him outta the feckin bowl"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baldilocks Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a TIMEX. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a > very attractive woman. > He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a > moment. > The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" > "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I > was just testing it." > The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special > about it?"! > Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." > The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" > "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." > The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am > wearing knickers!" > Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast." > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 The difference between Santa and Tiger Woods, is that Santa stops at three Hos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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