ham2 Posted December 18, 2009 Report Share Posted December 18, 2009 A Yorkshireman can't get any comfort for his 'Farmer-Giles' so he goes down to the local convenience store and says to the girl behind the counter: ''Ay up lov, d' tha have any ar5e cream? The girl replies: ''Yes Sir, would tha' like a cornetto or Haagan daas ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted December 18, 2009 Report Share Posted December 18, 2009 A Yorkshireman (same one) was barred from his local,accused of the sexual harassment of the new busty barmaid . He protested his innocence: ....All I said was... '' I would love two liqueurs?'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
29r Posted December 18, 2009 Report Share Posted December 18, 2009 You might be a Red Neck If ....... You named your son Dale Jr. And Your name is John . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 I went to the zoo the other day and all I saw was a small dog..... It was a shihtzu. - Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?" - Insulting Thai boxers: that is how I get my kicks. - Have you seen that TV show "Lewis"? Talk about flogging a dead morse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted December 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) You been opening last years Woolworths Christmas crackers early Ian? Edited December 20, 2009 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 I went to the zoo the other day and all I saw was a small dog..... It was a shihtzu. jeez Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted December 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) I think Ian may have started a new era on the Kenny thread of crap jokes, do your best lads couple of pages will be plenty, finishes Boxing Day though after the crackers have been read Edited December 20, 2009 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 Some Tommy Cooper ones.............. 1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..' 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've amputated your arms.... 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'. 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Just because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy' 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy. 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!' 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine". 'Wasn't that nice.' 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore' 23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted December 20, 2009 Report Share Posted December 20, 2009 23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. ****WARNING **** TC JOKE POLICE****** Post No.10 (by THE ADDICT) of this thread has been duplicated !! ...but bearing in mind I'm a huge Tommy Cooper fan...we'll let you off this time.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted December 21, 2009 Report Share Posted December 21, 2009 ****WARNING **** TC JOKE POLICE******Post No.10 (by THE ADDICT) of this thread has been duplicated !! ...but bearing in mind I'm a huge Tommy Cooper fan...we'll let you off this time.. And if you really keep score on this, you are sick, very sick! You could tell me that joke every day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted December 21, 2009 Report Share Posted December 21, 2009 Who (TF) is Tommy Cooper? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted December 21, 2009 Report Share Posted December 21, 2009 Who (TF) is Tommy Cooper? Cope think he is the brother of ''MINI'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted December 21, 2009 Report Share Posted December 21, 2009 Who (TF) is Tommy Cooper? Copey, to us Brits that comment is funnier than some of these Kenny jokes He must be on Wiki, for a comedian he was a great magician and for a magician he was a great comedian!! R.I.P. Tommy. Wayne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted December 21, 2009 Report Share Posted December 21, 2009 Spoon, jar, jar, spoon.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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