copemech Posted January 10, 2010 Report Share Posted January 10, 2010 A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? " She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real f'ng good because I want a cheeseburger." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2010 A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? " She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real f'ng good because I want a cheeseburger." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted January 10, 2010 Report Share Posted January 10, 2010 (edited) At the G20 summit, Barack Obama and the British prime minister are being shown a computer simulation called 'Time Machine' which can supposedly predict the economy and society trends of the future. Both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barack goes first: "What will the USA be like in 50 years time?" The machine whirs and beeps then gives him a printout, "The country is still in good hands under the Democrats, crime is down, there is little world conflict, the economy is healthy.There are no worries." Mr Brown thinks "That's not a bad prediction, but I'm sure mine will top that." so he asks, "What will Britain be like in 50 years time?" The machine gives the same whirs and beeps, then ejects a printout. He looks at it, turns it around a few times, then shakes his head. "Come on," laughs Barack, "What does it say" Mr Brown replies, "No idea.................................................................. it's in Arabic!" Edited January 10, 2010 by GIZZA5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 11, 2010 Report Share Posted January 11, 2010 Can you imagine Gordon Brown or Alister Darling doing this ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted January 11, 2010 Report Share Posted January 11, 2010 Can you imagine Gordon Brown or Alister Darling doing this ? HAHA God no - Obabma is an uber cool dude Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2010 Can you imagine Gordon Brown or Alister Darling doing this ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 12, 2010 Report Share Posted January 12, 2010 Just taking my Xmas lights down for this year and realised I wasnt sure or not if they had offended my Muslim neighbours.So just to be on the safe side I've painted 'Allah is a ****' on my garage door!!! I hope you had some luck! Yet the many on here seem to have no faith! Maybe that is a problem upon itself! Maybe even those of no faith, such as the Nazis or Markzist will prevail! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted January 12, 2010 Report Share Posted January 12, 2010 I hope you had some luck!Yet the many on here seem to have no faith! Maybe that is a problem upon itself! Maybe even those of no faith, such as the Nazis or Markzist will prevail! OI!! that's enough of this philosophical stuff on here, this is Kenny, jokes only.... Anyway, back on topic.... How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough? Give her a shovel!!!... ------------------------------------- A very sad event occurred last night: the Energizer Bunny, after going and going for so long has unfortunately passed away. The official medical report states that Mr. Bunny died from a Heart Attack brought on by sexual over stimulation. It seems that someone had put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming...and coming...and coming... ------------------------------------- One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino. Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2010 (edited) How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough? Give her a shovel!!!... Peter Robinson(NI First Minister)went to his optician complaining that his eyes have been watering for some time. His optician says " I think I know what the problem is, there's been something stuck in your Iris!" Brilliant that Donald Edited January 12, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Where does the england cricket team stay when they play in South Africa? At their parents. ========================================== TERROR ALERTS! The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The Scots raised their threat level from a "bit angry" to "Let's get the *******s" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out preemptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. And at a local level... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is canceled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose". The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." Edited January 13, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 The Scots raised their threat level from a "bit angry" to "Let's get the *******s" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years. You looking at me ????????????????? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 Americans meanwhile are carrying out preemptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. Probably starting with Canada..............They are just too quiet and polite, also very friendly........must be planning something. Our neighbors to the North are good people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted January 14, 2010 Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 Yea, right! Up there somewhere near you, they all speak French! That makes me feel a lot better about being down here around a bunch of Mexicans with guns! I somehow feel more secure now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 14, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) 2 women on their way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a p***. One wipes herself with her knickers, the other uses a wreath. There 2 husbands are in the pub the next day. One says " I'd better watch my wife. She came home last night with no knickers on." The other man says "That's **** all, mine had a card wedged in her a*** saying, "We'll never forget you, From all the boys at the fire station x x" Edited January 14, 2010 by The Addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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