Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[rezurect]

My driving instructer told to wear my seatbelt because if i were in a crash the force could throw me out of the car.......

I cant believe he thinks star wars is real...............

Iain

[pete_scorpa3]

Current security levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their

security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet

again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the

blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from

"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "p****d Off" to "Let's get the *******s" They don't

have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the

British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level

from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and

"Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag

factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French

who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military

Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change

Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in

Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a

Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are

worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These

beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a

really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to

continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying

paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New

Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come

and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this

weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the

final escalation level.

[kevin j]

A dyslexic agnostic couldn't sleep.

So he lay awake all night wondering 'Is there a Dog?'

[copemech]

A dyslexic agnostic couldn't sleep.

So he lay awake all night wondering 'Is there a Dog?'

He,He!!!!!!!

This one may have Andy blowing beer out the nostrils next round!

[the addict]

Four Jamaicans sitting around a campfire, all arguing what the fastest thing in the world was. Leroy says " I tink de fasses ting is a thought becos before you can tink it it already thought". Winston says "nah mon de fasses ting is a blink becos before u tink to blink u dun blink already". Delroy says " no man da fasses ting is helectricity becos when you turn on de light it travel fassand de light come on", "yous all wrong" says Tyrone " de fasses ting is diarrhoea", "diarrhoea!" the others all shout. "yeah mon cos lass nite before i cud tink blink or turn de light on me shat meself"....

Edited February 5, 2010 by The Addict

[the addict]

Bill Gates in the Afterlife

Bill Gates dies and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Well, you've done a lot of bad things in your life, but you've done some good things too, so I'm going to let you take a look at both heaven and hell, and pick which one you want to go to."

Bill thinks this is fair, and takes a look around heaven. He sees a lot of people in white gowns playing harps and floating around, but it looks rather boring. He looks down at hell, and sees people laughing, drinking, smoking and partying down.

"I'll go to hell," Bill says, and instantly he is whisked away into hell, where he is immersed in a vat of boiling oil as flames and smoke fill the air.

"What happened to all that fun I saw people having?" Bill asks, shocked.

St. Peter looks down and says, "Oh, you must have seen the demo version."

[copemech]

Four Jamaicans sitting around a campfire, all arguing what the fastest thing in the world was. Leroy says " I tink de fasses ting is a thought becos before you can tink it it already thought". Winston says "nah mon de fasses ting is a blink becos before u tink to blink u dun blink already". Delroy says " no man da fasses ting is helectricity becos when you turn on de light it travel fassand de light come on", "yous all wrong" says Tyrone " de fasses ting is diarrhoea", "diarrhoea!" the others all shout. "yeah mon cos lass nite before i cud tink blink or turn de light on me shat meself"....

What is ironic is that even though this joke is prestine, if I were to even attempt to recall it all and put it into words to my Jamacan friend, he would think me a total idiot! Mon!

[slapshot 3]

A man was mowing his lawn when he accidently cut off the tail of his dog

who had been hiding in the grass.

Quick as he could he rushed the cat over to Tesco's

Why Tesco's????????????

Tesco's is the largest Re-tailer in the UK

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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this

HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring

at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private,

3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor..

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy

says: "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give

you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall,

I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3

pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

"Turn around."

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Little Melissa comes home from her primary school & tells her father that they

learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she

asks, 'will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get

mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could

have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that

maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love

everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell

everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found

ride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the

Marines could shoot the f*****'

[slapshot 3]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous programme."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine.

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A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by.

One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister.

Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the mailman wants to buy Mum

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An American is on holiday in Italy and has been constipated for a week, but when he arrives in Florence, the water is better and his condition goes away. "With Firenze like this," he said, "who needs enemas?"

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After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ..... OH, Jesus Christ!'

[copemech]

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Hummmmmmm?

Giddy-up only comes after "Spank It" and "Who's Your Daddy"!

[big mark]

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them..

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises

and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground..

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

[ham2]

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Hummmmmmm?

Giddy-up only comes after "Spank It" and "Who's Your Daddy"!

Don't you mean: 'Tally ho''?

Tonto grasses up the Lone Ranger to the Comanche Indians, who kill all cowboys according to their tribal customs.

The big chief tells the LR that he has,according to their traditions, 3 pleasures to experience before they gut him alive in front of the whole tribe.

e.g.

Get stoned on 'um peace pipe?

Get high on their homemade hooch?

Get jiggy with a lady?

He elects to have a word with his horse 'Silver'; he pulls it's ear open and whispers inside.

The intelligent horse nods, bolts off over the horizon returning quickly with a buxom saloon barmaid in the saddle.

All the Comanche braves are seriously impressed and give the LR a round of applause when he takes the barmaid into his tent.

Then the chief offers the LR some booze but....... the LR just wants a word with Silver again;he pulls it's ear open and whispers inside.

The intelligent horse nods, bolts off over the horizon returning quickly with a very fit young squaw.

All the Comanche braves are seriously impressed and give the LR a round of applause when he takes the squaw into his tent.

Then the chief offers the LR a draw on the peace-pipe and warns him it's his last pleasure but....... the LR just wants a word with Silver again;

This time he furiously grabs the horse by the balls and screams:-'' I f***ing said POSSE!''

[Andy]

Since Copey has taken "Anything Goes" all political, I do like this one...

At last, Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior civil servant - 'Sir Humphrey' - went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly, however, they are freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to a beautiful train numbered '4472'.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called the 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all, they did rename a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'"

[thespikeyone]

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.

She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"

[thespikeyone]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"