Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[ham2]

Booked a table for me an wor lass for Valentines Day.

Hope she's not as miserable as last year, she only managed to pot 2 balls.

[the addict]

Booked a table for me an wor lass for Valentines Day.

Hope she's not as miserable as last year, she only managed to pot 2 balls.

[gizza5]

Bought Mine a New bag and belt?

Vaccum cleaner is now working a treat?

[copemech]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a load of boll0x, I bet you cant tell me anything that will make me both

happy and sad at the same time".

She said: Out of all your friends, you have the biggest kn0b.

Bought Mine a New bag and belt?

Vaccum cleaner is now working a treat?

Beer up nostrils!

Edited February 13, 2010 by copemech

[slapshot 3]

Did you hear about the incompetent circumcision surgeon ?

....

.

.

.

He got the Sack !

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A Dutch boy was admitted to hospital with multple injuries and severe

bruising.

When asked what happened he said he stuck his finger in a dyke.

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During the French revolution an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were arrested and sentenced to death by guillotine. They were all led out to be executed and the man in charge of the guillotine said to them "I like to make things interesting for the spectators, so I always give my victims a choice: you can either be face up or face down on the guillotine. Which do you prefer Mister Englishman?"

"Well, we English prefer to face our dangers, so for me, face up."

He was taken to the guillotine and placed on it face up. The man pulled the lever and the blade dropped... a short distance and stopped!

"Incroyable! As a reward for your bravery Madame Guillotine has decided that you are to be set free! You cab go."

And now, Monsieur Scotsman: which way for you?"

He thought and decided that it had been good luck for the Englishman so he said "We Scots are no less brave than any Sassenach! Face up for me!"

Once again the guillotine was prepared with the Scotsman facing up, and again the blade stopped after falling a short distance.

"Mon Dieu! Madame Guillotine has decided that you too are to go free!"

He then turned to the Irishman "Well, which way for you?"

The Irishman thought that it had been ok for the other two so he said "Sure and oi'll go so I can watch what's happening. Like them oi'll go face up!"

He was arranged on the guillotine and the man in charge was just about to pull the lever when the Irishmen suddenly seid "Wait a minute there! Oi can see where it's sticking"

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

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One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

[slapshot 3]

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars, just stand closer to what you want to look at.

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Man walks into a doctors wearing nothing but cellophane pants.

The doc says "I can clearly see your nuts"

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What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

You'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!

YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Billy Bob goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Billy Bob.

Peggy Sue's father asks Billy Bob what they're planning to do. Billy Bob replies politely that they will probably just go to a movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Billy Bob, so he asks Peggy Sue's dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Billy Bob's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, billy Bob escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAM IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

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In a recent customer satisfaction survey it was found that 6 on the 7 dwarves weren't Happy.

------------------------------------

What do you call a penguin with an abacus ?

Cold and calculating

Edited February 13, 2010 by Slapshot 3

[the addict]

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it

was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pi$$ed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child

innocently.

'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it

didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad.....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in

and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was

tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he

asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me

tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat

down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.

Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on

microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron!'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year

old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the

shower.

She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her

tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you

teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that

son of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them

was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little

went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is

falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that

farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:

'Holy ****! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane

Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,

eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and mum says I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[the addict]

5 rules for a man to have a happy life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other...

[the addict]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, 0the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "

[gizza5]

On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?"

The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"

[gizza5]

There was an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man at a bar.

The English man says "I went into me daughters bedroom the other day and found a packet of fags" then says "the thing is I didn't realised she smoked"

The Scots man then says "I had a similar experience; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a bottle of vodka" he says "the thing is I didn't realise she drank"

The Irish man then said "The same thing happened to me; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a packet of condoms" he then says "The thing is I didn't realise she had a pen1s."

[houseape1000]

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.....all sat on a beam about 100 foot up, decided that after a good mornings graft, steel erecting, that it was about time for lunch.

The Englishman opened his packed lunch that his wife had lovingly prepared for him, pulled out a ham and cheese sandwich, then began to complain about eating the same old thing every day for the last 20 years

He then threw himself off, to an abrupt end....

The Scottish man opened his lunch box, pulled out a haggis, and the same again......threw himself off.

The Irishman opened his lunch box, to find a potato...same again......he also threw himself off.

A week later, their widows are talking after the joint funeral........

Englishmans wife - " I can't believe it, he never said anything, I thought he liked ham and cheese "

Scottishmans wife - " I didn't know Hamish was so fed up with haggis, I would have made something else "

Irishmans wife - " I can't understand it at all....Paddy made is own lunch !"

[gizza5]

Yorkshire jokes..............

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore ar*ehole asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar*e cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

Edited February 15, 2010 by GIZZA5

[the addict]

Yorkshire jokes..............

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore ar*ehole asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar*e cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

[toofasttim]

There has apparently been a marked decline in the number of suicide bombers in the past six months which is being attributed to Susan Boyle.

Apparently now the young fellas know what a virgin looks like they aren`t so keen to get a handful of them.