copemech Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 Subj: FW: $5.37 $5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.." All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey. The good news was I had successfully found my way home. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- READ BELOW ! Just in case you weren't feeling too old today. The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. The CD was introduced two years before they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. Popcorn has always been microwaved. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading. P.S. Save the earth.. It's the only planet with chocolate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axulsuv Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 Classic Copey !!!! Reminds me of myself at times ... Right up there with UPS sending me a postcard to have me verify my address ... If my Address ain't right , How am I gonna get the post card !?!?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. ' I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on ' When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in his family and I always will ' . ' Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.' Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that ' the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them ' . 'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,'she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pete_scorpa3 Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 The things Justin will do for a bit of fame..... It certainly isn't Justin; there's nothing about toilets in there! Plus Justin's much MUCH faster on a race bike than that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 Was following a car today which had a sticker proclaiming " The car in front is a Toyota" Couldn't keep up with it ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleoneben Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket..... Suddenly the father shouted....'Okay, I'll do the f****** dishes!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleoneben Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 How Fights Start >> >> >> >>My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' >> >>I said, 'Dust.' >> >>And then the fight started... > > >****************************************** > > > >My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" > >"No," she answered. > >I then said, "Is that your final answer?" > >She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." > >So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." > >And then the fight started.... > > >****************************************** > >Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. > >I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." > >My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" > >And that's how the fight started... > >****************************************** > >I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" > >So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" > >And then the fight started..... > >***************************************** > >My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' > >I bought her a bathroom scale. > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station. > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. > >The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. > >When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. > >She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. > >My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > >'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' > >'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." > >He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" > >Nah, she can order for herself." > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' > >The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' > >And then the fight started..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 Don't read back much do you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john.b Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 Don't read back much do you? And then the fight started! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 Don't read back much do you? Careful Copey you're beginning to sound just like me...in fact..I will swear you in as my TC Joke-Police Deputy , that's if you can bear the initiation ceremony 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!" The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fianc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted February 21, 2010 Report Share Posted February 21, 2010 How Fights Start>> >> >> >>My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' >> >>I said, 'Dust.' >> >>And then the fight started... > > >****************************************** > > > >My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" > >"No," she answered. > >I then said, "Is that your final answer?" > >She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." > >So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." > >And then the fight started.... > > >****************************************** > >Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. > >I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." > >My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" > >And that's how the fight started... > >****************************************** > >I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" > >So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" > >And then the fight started..... > >***************************************** > >My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' > >I bought her a bathroom scale. > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station. > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. > >The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. > >When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. > >She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. > >My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > >'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' > >'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." > >He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" > >Nah, she can order for herself." > >And then the fight started... > >****************************************** > >A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' > >The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' > >And then the fight started..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 RETIREMENT BONUS If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired! The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of�his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?' The old Chief calmly replied,�� Vietnam! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleoneben Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 (edited) Don't read back much do you? Oops........... 1 out of 2 aint bad for a first attempt Edited February 22, 2010 by Littleoneben Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treevor Posted February 25, 2010 Report Share Posted February 25, 2010 Taken me 2 days to read thro this lot, Fantastic. Did you hear about the homosexual ghosts? Kept putting the willies up each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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