the addict Posted March 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2010 A scouse girl goes to the local council to claim benefit. "How many children do you have?" asked the benefit officer. "I have ten kids." replied the scouse woman. "Ten?" said the benefit officer, "That's a lot! What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." replied the scouse girl. "Ummm, do you not get confused with them all having the same name?" asked the benefit officer. "Nahhh," replied the scouser, "it's great because if they are out in the street playing I only have to say 'Wayne' once and they all come in!" "What if you want to speak to one of them individually?" asked the benefit officer. "Oh that's easy," replied the scouse girl, "I just use their last names!" Did you hear that this year had the coldest day in Liverpool since records began? All the scousers kept their hands in their own pockets! What's the difference between a scouser funeral and a scouser wedding? One less drunk! What do you say to a scouser in a uniform? "Big Mac and fries please!" A young mother was pushing her baby along the street in Manchester when suddenly a huge rottweiler dog lunged towards the pram, gnashing it's teeth. The young woman thought for a moment that the dog would kill them when suddenly a man rushed over, wrestled with the rottweiler and broke it's neck with his bare hands. Another man rushed to the scene and said, "I am a reporter and I saw everything that happened. Wait until I put the headline in my paper. It will read 'Manchester United fan saves baby from savage rottweiler!" "No you can't write that!" replied the man. "But why not?" said the reporter. "Because I am not a Manchester United fan, that's why!" replied the man. "Oh, okay then," said the reporter, "I will write Manchester City supporter saves mother and baby from savage rottweiler!" "You can't write that either" said the man. "Why not?" asked the reporter. "Because I am a Liverpool fan!" replied the man. "Oh I see," said the reporter, "How about this then, 'Scouse ******* kills family pet!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted March 3, 2010 Report Share Posted March 3, 2010 Geek joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gasgasman280 Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 Geek joke Bet you warm up the missus with a bit of Fortran! No 69, just 77! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gasgasman280 Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It only comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It only comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. What bloke cares where it is anyway? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 What bloke cares where it is anyway? Nobody.. ...nobody cares that this is the 3rd outing for this joke on TC..nobody cares... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 Nobody.. ...nobody cares that this is the 3rd outing for this joke on TC..nobody cares... Newbies trying to undermine Kenny!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 Nobody.. ...nobody cares that this is the 3rd outing for this joke on TC..nobody cares... Is the joke gay ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 Text Message Babe, I've finally left that tosser Ashley and I'm on my way round to you big boy. Love you..Cheryl xx . . . . . Carlsberg don't do text messages,but if they did........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gasgasman280 Posted March 4, 2010 Report Share Posted March 4, 2010 Whoops! Rather figured this one hasn't been sighted here yet.... Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted March 5, 2010 Report Share Posted March 5, 2010 The missus suggested I make more of an effort and that we should use some toys in the bedroom to spice things up a bit...... The ungrateful cow.. Took me 2 hours to set up that scalextric 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted March 5, 2010 Report Share Posted March 5, 2010 Geppetto was a little concerned that his teenage son Pinocchio was very moody and depressed so he asked him if he had any thoughts to share? ''Yes ,Father I have an embarrassing problem,I can't get any girlfriends because of my reputation, when I try to get intimate, the lady in question always gets a painful splinter in a very private place!'' ''Don't worry just use this fine grit sanding paper and that will remedy the problem'' ,said Geppetto. Next night Pinocchio comes home with a beaming smile on his face. Geppetto says: ''It looks like you have been..ahem..successful with your girlfriend then Pinocchio?'' Pinocchio says; ''Who needs girlfriends?! gimme more sand-paper!!'' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houseape1000 Posted March 5, 2010 Report Share Posted March 5, 2010 Geppetto was a little concerned that his teenage son Pinocchio was very moody and depressed so he asked him if he had any thoughts to share?''Yes ,Father I have an embarrassing problem,I can't get any girlfriends because of my reputation, when I try to get intimate, the lady in question always gets a painful splinter in a very private place!'' ''Don't worry just use this fine grit sanding paper and that will remedy the problem'' ,said Geppetto. Next night Pinocchio comes home with a beaming smile on his face. Geppetto says: ''It looks like you have been..ahem..successful with your girlfriend then Pinocchio?'' Pinocchio says; ''Who needs girlfriends?! gimme more sand-paper!!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.