the addict Posted March 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2010 The Mayonnaise Jar When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, When 24 hours in a day is not enough; remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and start to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded With an unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - , family, children, health, friends, and bikes. Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else... The small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, You will never have room for the things that are important to you. So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Ride your Trials bike There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. 'Take care of the golf balls first... The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.' One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked'. 'It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2010 The police story is true, but it was in Edinburgh. It was all over the papers here at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? - - - - - - -- - - -- - - - A. Slow down and use some lubricant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. __________________________________________________________ 2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. __________________________________________________________ 3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with Everybody at the party except you. __________________________________________________________ 4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. __________________________________________________________ 5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. __________________________________________________________ 6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ___________________________________________________________ 7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. ___________________________________________________________ 8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic. ___________________________________________________________ 9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. ___________________________________________________________ 10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? The one who can eat the last donut. ____________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gasgasman280 Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 (edited) A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?" "Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" The girl replies:..... "Didn't feel a thing." Edited March 11, 2010 by gasgasman280 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word 10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC 9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC 8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566 7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877 6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926 5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937 4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938 3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945 2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963 And ... drum roll ...,,,,,.. The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .... "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified". Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods. Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven" Tiger: "Why is that?" Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary" Tiger: "You're a day late." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 I have no idea what this is about, perhaps our cousins from "over the water" can clarify. Cowboy rules for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho and the rest of the Wild West are as follows: 1. Pull your pants up.. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and g o. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish. 16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gasgasman280 Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gasgasman280 Posted March 11, 2010 Report Share Posted March 11, 2010 Group Therapy A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted March 15, 2010 Report Share Posted March 15, 2010 I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." --- Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"? --- Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?" --- Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!" --- My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio. --- Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its B*****ks!! --- They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk **** and can't drive! --- Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack? The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once. --- Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick *******." --- A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!" --- A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy ******* and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted March 15, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2010 Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year. It's called the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . iRon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted March 16, 2010 Report Share Posted March 16, 2010 Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted March 16, 2010 Report Share Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science...... Edited March 16, 2010 by AtomAnt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted March 16, 2010 Report Share Posted March 16, 2010 (edited) It's not bloody funny..it's true! Never mind the Hadron Collider...Governmentium is so heavy, it's gonna drag us all down into a black-hole Edited March 16, 2010 by HAM2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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