Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[gizza5]

Fred and Larry got married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[b40rt]

For Ham2

[zippy]

For Ham2

Maybe that should be renamed "Bad Song with Bad Dancing"

[the addict]

What do you call a muslim sheepshagger?

Ramalam

What do you call a muslim sheepshagger with a bell in his hand?

Ramalam Adingdong

[slapshot 3]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'you're welcome.'

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Blazer .338 caliber sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.....and he's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson'.

'The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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One day a blonde felt very hungry so she walked into the nearest building, went up to the counter and asked in a loud voice," CAN I PLEASE HAVE A CHEESE BURGER, FRIES AND A DIET COKE."

The lady at the counter said quietly, "Ma'am this is a library."

"Ohhhhh" "I'll have a cheese burger, fries, and a diet coke," the blonde whispered.

[slapshot 3]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?

A: In case they have to draw blood.

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Edited March 27, 2010 by Slapshot 3

[slapshot 3]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

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3 explorers, Justin, Mark and Andy were out working in the jungle when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. Andy comes back with 10 bananas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound. Andy gets to 2 bananas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him.

Mark comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the Indians killed him too.

Now the Andy and Mark's souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. Andy says 'FFS Mark why did you laugh you could've gone back and told our families what had happened'.

'Sorry" Mark replied, "I just couldn't stop when I saw Justin comin down the hill with 10 pineapples."

[ham2]

For Ham2

Quality derrier..........It's a crying shame that's she,s celebate, otherwise I would have been in like flint using my Geordie patter!...actually that's me on the mattress at the end of the video,next to her.

[atomant]

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

That line there is better than the punchline

Edited March 28, 2010 by AtomAnt

[steveo]

Well its lucky she didnt marry a Tailor !

[atomant]

Well its lucky she didnt marry a Tailor !

Or a sewage worker

[b40rt]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Husband # 11 Twin shock rider : did it non stop.

Husband # 12 WTC rider : lots of repositioning, bouncing, ..............................

[the addict]

A doctor was addressing a large audience at an Oxford Uni

"The material we put into our stomaches should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye, Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years and yearsafter eatingi t?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, .

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."Wedding Cake ? "

[b40rt]

Dear Deirdre

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Newcastle. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Geordie ?

[slapshot 3]

This could quite honestly be the funniest thing we're ever likely to read see or hear....Ever!! Firstly, make sure you are NOT eating or drinking anything at the times and there are no hot drinks around you that could possibly burn bits you don't want burned, click the link, read the headline then look at the name of the columnist.... :rotfl:

Clicky

due to the subject matter I will apologise for this one..

Edited March 28, 2010 by Slapshot 3