essex rider Posted April 19, 2010 Report Share Posted April 19, 2010 Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. And that, Gordon, is how you can solve the immigration problem...... just shoot a few at the border Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted April 21, 2010 Report Share Posted April 21, 2010 Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That! will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f..k off the car!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted April 22, 2010 Report Share Posted April 22, 2010 I do not normally post up things sent to me by others on this forum, yet this is an exception! Subject: The Fence > > > > > If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great > test! > > Lot of truth here! > > If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. > If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed. > > If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat. > If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for > everyone. > > If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. > If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect. > > If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his > situation. > A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him. > > If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. > Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down. > > If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. > A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. > (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!) > > If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping > for it, or may choose a job that provides it. > A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his. > > If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have > a good laugh. > A liberal will delete it because he's "offended". > > > If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great > test! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted April 22, 2010 Report Share Posted April 22, 2010 Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Oh yesssss 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigfoot Posted April 22, 2010 Report Share Posted April 22, 2010 Interesting, I'd concider myself more liberal than conservative (by the UK meaning) and have moderator rights to these forums. Should I delete the post? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted April 23, 2010 Report Share Posted April 23, 2010 (edited) Interesting, I'd concider myself more liberal than conservative (by the UK meaning) and have moderator rights to these forums. Should I delete the post? Oh well, go ahead! Not sure if it was the guns, the cheese eaters, or the peter puffers that took you to the brink! At least we will know the sheep are safe! Oh, btw, Main Entry: con Edited April 23, 2010 by copemech Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted April 23, 2010 Report Share Posted April 23, 2010 I have a fettish about typos and ignorant a--holes!! That's an unusual show of bad temper from you Copey. Bigfoot was just yanking your chain. Like John, I'd consider myself slightly left of centre but I would side with every conservative argument in your post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted April 23, 2010 Report Share Posted April 23, 2010 I have a fettish about typos and ignorant a--holes!! Hey whatever gets you off man, but honestly you do not need to share with the entire world. p.s. It is spelled "fetish" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feetupfun Posted April 23, 2010 Report Share Posted April 23, 2010 Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That! will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f..k off the car!" Hey Tim that one is one of my 79 YO Mum's favourite jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted April 23, 2010 Report Share Posted April 23, 2010 Could be worse Dave. Could be one of your 3 yo daughters favourtites Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted April 24, 2010 Report Share Posted April 24, 2010 DRIVE THROUGH CASH MACHINE A new sign in the Bank lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through Cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.' ************ ********* ********* * MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Engage handbrake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell the person on you are talking to on your mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty handbag, locate card-holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook. 26. Re-check makeup 27. Redial person you were talking to on your mobile phone. 28. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 29. Release handbrake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted April 24, 2010 Report Share Posted April 24, 2010 (edited) That's an unusual show of bad temper from you Copey. Bigfoot was just yanking your chain.Like John, I'd consider myself slightly left of centre but I would side with every conservative argument in your post. Oh I know that, but it is pretty bad when Zippy is the only one to catch a typo! Obviously I will have to find something much less subtile and with less innuendo for Bigfoot! Hummmm, Maybe he likes ? Here's one for the rest, Edited April 24, 2010 by copemech Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted April 24, 2010 Report Share Posted April 24, 2010 Oh we all caught the typo. We just didn't want you to rip our throats out if we mentioned it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted April 24, 2010 Report Share Posted April 24, 2010 (edited) Oh we all caught the typo. We just didn't want you to rip our throats out if we mentioned it. Ouch! Edited April 24, 2010 by copemech Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atomant Posted April 24, 2010 Report Share Posted April 24, 2010 28. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 29. Release handbrake. HAHA , I know a few women who have done that (for neutrality, the men who have done it wouldn't admit to it ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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