Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[atomant]

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he

says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'OH MY GOD!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????....

I knew that was a joke when you said Policeman is called and arrives in 5 minutes!

[copemech]

The United States is a sovereign nation, not a subsidiary of Mexico , and its taxpayers are not responsible for the welfare of Mexico 's citizens.

It's time for the Mexican government, and its citizens, to stop feeding parasitically off the United States and to start taking care of its/their own needs.

Too bad that other states within the USA don't pass a law just like that passed by Arizona .

Maybe that's the answer, since our own Congress will do nothing!

New Immigration Laws: Read to the bottom or you will miss the message...

1. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools.

* * * * * * * *

2. All ballots will be in this nation's language..

* * * * * * * *

3.. All government business will be conducted in our language.

* * * * * * * *

4. Non-residents will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.

* * * * * * * *

5. Non-citizens will NEVER be able to hold political office

* * * * * * * *

6 Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Any burden will be deported.

* * * * * * * *

7. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount at least equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.

* * * * * * * *

8. If foreigners come here and buy land... options will be restricted. Certain parcels including waterfront property are reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.

* * * * * * * *

9. Foreigners may have no protests; no demonstrations, no waving of a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies. These will lead to deportation.

* * * * * * * *

10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be actively hunted and when caught, sent to jail until your deportation can be arranged. All assets will be taken from you.

* * * * * * * * * Too strict ?

The above laws are current immigration laws of MEXICO!

[houseape1000]

I knew that was a joke when you said Policeman is called and arrives in 5 minutes!

5 minutes, he must of thought there was no tax on the car !

They pay attention when the crime is of a serious nature - ie - no tax, no mot, speeding, dui, no insurance, no license, no seatbelt.....

Coincidentally, all of which are easy to hand out a fine for !

[eiger]

5 minutes, he must of thought there was no tax on the car !

They pay attention when the crime is of a serious nature - ie - no tax, no mot, speeding, dui, no insurance, no license, no seatbelt.....

Coincidentally, all of which are easy to hand out a fine for !

Houseape, as a serving cop I agree with some sentiments but really despise cop bashing threads from those who do not have a clue, I have arrived at jobs within 5 minutes on many occasions and often when the report has been of a burglary or robbery but what you don't see or understand is what happens in so many cases

We are driven in the main by home office measures.

I joined the cops to catch the scumbags who steal your car or bike. Or break into your house, assault your elderly parents or grandparents and take money from them but regardless of my ideals we, as a country, are financially motivated and those of us who can pay will pay and those in power will ensure that will not change.

I've posted before on here about what i struggle to come to terms with in my job, I'm 47 yrs old now and have been in the job 17 years and have seen many changes but close to 4000 people each year die on our roads from mainly speed and/or alcohol related deaths, a lot less die as a result of burglary or theft so there has to be a balance.

If you get rammed up the backside tomorrow by an uninsured and unlicensed driver which will cost you a lot of money you may feel differently as you would if (God forbid) someone close to you was injured by one.

My argument is that we don't seem to have any consistency and the penalties for committing crimes can in some cases be so severe (mainly where the government lose money) yet so meek and mild where scumbags get away almost scot-free for burglary, robbery or theft.

I work mainly ten hour shifts and since the inception of the new 24 hour drinking laws now rarely get chance for even a brew in a shift but I accept that compared to my previous job as a mechanic I get a good wage, shame our lads and lasses in Afghanistan don't.

And so you know cops are on performance indicators which means they have to get a certain amount of ticks each month (as an example a traffic cop will have to get so many no seat belts, speeders, mobile phone users etc) but with no reward only to keep the job they are in.

And if you think its bad now the penalties for those that can and will pay for misdemeanours will increase soon to help with the financial defecit the western world faces.

Rant over (for now)

Sorry

Pete

[pa.]

Alleged true stories from British Doctors. (Sounds plausible but most probably internet bull.)

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1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

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2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath

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3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

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4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General

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5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent

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6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon Bristol Infirmary.

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7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[houseape1000]

Houseape, as a serving cop I agree with some sentiments but really despise cop bashing threads from those who do not have a clue, I have arrived at jobs within 5 minutes on many occasions and often when the report has been of a burglary or robbery but what you don't see or understand is what happens in so many cases

We are driven in the main by home office measures.

I joined the cops to catch the scumbags who steal your car or bike. Or break into your house, assault your elderly parents or grandparents and take money from them but regardless of my ideals we, as a country, are financially motivated and those of us who can pay will pay and those in power will ensure that will not change.

I've posted before on here about what i struggle to come to terms with in my job, I'm 47 yrs old now and have been in the job 17 years and have seen many changes but close to 4000 people each year die on our roads from mainly speed and/or alcohol related deaths, a lot less die as a result of burglary or theft so there has to be a balance.

If you get rammed up the backside tomorrow by an uninsured and unlicensed driver which will cost you a lot of money you may feel differently as you would if the job they are in.

And if you think its bad now the penalties for those that can and will pay for misdemeanours will increase soon to help with the financial defecit the western world faces.

Rant over (for now)

Sorry

Pete

Or - don't blame the player.....blame the game ? ha ha ha.

I have a bit of a problem with the system.....My last home was burgled twice, and on both occasions I was told catergorically by forensics that there would be no chance of catching the low-life responsible ( even before she dusted for prints ).

Funny that.....I was a welder at the time and guess what..........I caught him...<JUDGE JURY AND EXECUTIONER>...why didn't the police ?

So, I moved house - which cost a lot of money. - there's the financial side.

What cost more though is the fact that even though this happened about 8 yrs ago, my wife has only just started to feel safe.

This whole episode has cost a lot of money, but an awful lot more emotionally....and as long as scars are not physical it doesn't matter does it !!!!!

I was told by many that I couldn't serve my own justice, but I WILL do WHATEVER I can to remove a criminal from my property, should the need arise.

Remember the guy that shot that gippo, and went to jail for it........where's the justice in that.......

System is all wrong. So much time is spent chasing money that there's hardly any time left for chasing crooks !

Andy.

PS. sorry Kenny !

[slapshot 3]

Shortly after Justin got married, he was invited out for a night out with the boys. He told the wife that he would be home by midnight...

Well, the yarns were being spun and the ale was going down easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he went home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning Mrs Addict asked him what time he got in. He told her 12 o'clock.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."

-------------------------------------------

I told my girlfriend to shave downstairs.

She blocked the kitchen sink, but at least her moustache is gone.

-------------------------------------------

FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.

FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:

1 sad pathetic miserable git is reading this.

-----------------------------------------

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation

and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that

whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided

to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.. A great deal

of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional

children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair

and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives

us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in

her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear

rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

[gizza5]

One for the Scots to have a smile about..................

Condom factory burns down in ENGLAND:

Rt Hon Andy Burnham MP MINISTER FOR HEALTH is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Liverpool has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.

Rt Hon Andy Burnham MP: s**t !! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined.

We're going to have to ship some in from France?

Bad idea The frogs will have a field day on this one.

Junior Minister: What about Scotland?

Rt Hon Andy Burnham MP: I'll call Alex Salmond. Tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and eight inches thick.

That way they'll continue to respect the English

Three days later a delighted Andy Burnham MP runs out to open the boxes that arrived at the Post Office.

He finds five million condoms. 10 inches long, 8 inches thick, all coloured blue with a white cross on............................ small writing on each one reading........

MADE IN SCOTLAND - SIZE: MEDIUM

[atomant]

One for the Scots to have a smile about..................

He finds five million condoms. 10 inches long, 8 inches thick, all coloured blue with a white cross on............................ small writing on each one reading........

MADE IN SCOTLAND - SIZE: MEDIUM

Always thought the biggest cocks come from Scotland! we had one running the country for long enough

Edited June 3, 2010 by AtomAnt

[gizza5]

Always thought the biggest cocks come from Scotland! we had one running the country for long enough

Now that is quite good

[littlestar]

Ive heard a few of those before but the best one Ive had so far...

While doing a memory test with a rather deaf patient I asked if he could remember 42 West street for me and I would ask him to repeat it to me later. To which he replied: "Who's 42 next week?"

[b40rt]

Is any of this true ?

What say you? Could these all be true?

Fortunately Judges often intervene

[pa.]

Is any of this true ?

What say you? Could these all be true?

Fortunately Judges often intervene

[ham2]

Hey Fellas,

What about last nights result against Germany: 4-bloody 1???

What's worse is the weather report for us Geordies, apparently the forecast is for flooding 'cos now most of Scotland are p1551ng themselves....

[tony27]

What you mean scotland, I'm thinking the whole world is