Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[zippy]

Well to try and get this back on track with the and the occasional

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[copemech]

Who wrote the spec? Look no further.

I could tell you horror stories! Just on the average vehicle I work on today, there may be 10-30 various computer modules!

If there is a problem, you just have to update the software and hope things work! Then if it does not, you may have a real problem(with a list of possibilities to sort through) or still yet another software glitch. One never knows!

After the listed possibilitys do not shake out, you have to throw the book away whilst developing alternate solutions, usually process of elimination, untill you either resolve it or give up! Then a week or month later you might just get a call stating there is a software fix on the way! Hmmmm! Someone knew about this all along! Think they would speak up? Not!

There went half my day already on average, then we get into mechanicals on things! Trust me here, cars are designed to be Assembled, not Repaired!

I think the worst case I seen was a fellow at work that had one them Beemer built Mini Coopers that quit pulling. He took it in and they gave him a 2K or more estimate to put a clutch in it, with about 15 hrs labor! Nuts! So he brought it back to us, as even we do not normally work on those things, figured the little thing would be simple enough, and I have a fellow at work that is always up for a challenge. Well, sure enough, you gotta take the entire front off the car to get the tranny out! Feck me! Bad thing was it busted the internals on the tranny! And one part number fixes that! So, at the cost of a new trials bike, it worked again!

The common saying in the shop is " Just give me 5 minutes alone with the bas---d that designed THIS! All I need is 5 min!"

Now this may not always be obvious, yet lit me give a small example, kid kicked the hellofit out the right A/C vent and the louver thin is broken. Get it in the shop and take a look, how exactly does this thing come out? I give, so let's look in the manual! Good idea, really, on anythin one is unsure of so you don't feck things up! Right!

Go to manual, and first words are"disconnect battery" well, You know you are shot!

Next line, "Remove dash panel assy. Refer to section 21 for instructions."

Take a deep breath, relax, then just hope this job has not been quoted! NUTS!

[tony27]

AAAHH! but you see these engineer guys believe the spec is like the Holy Word of God and not able to be incorrect, so therefore the piece of equipment is correct for the application even though it is proven in operation that it is not working for what they want. So because it is specified for that then we lowly operators just don't understand and are not worth listening to.

Other things they like to do as an example.

Equipment runs at a average of 120 psi. (notice "average" so it will on occasion go higher)

Spec for two pieces of equipment.

Equip A is operating range for 20psi - 200psi costs $1200

Equip B is operating range for 20psi - 125psi costs $800

B is cheaper and the whole world runs on saving $$$$$ right now, nobody thinks long term anymore.

So they purchase B and don't understand why it won't work when the pressure spikes up to 135psi.

So now we are faced with down time and repairs because we are pushing the equipment at it's upper range 95% of the time and the other 5% we exceed the upper range and break it.

These are the things I find frustrating.

I will temper my post with the following: NOT ALL engineers are like this, but there are a large percentage out there.

OK enough ranting from me.

I would also like to restate that Engineers do provide a vital part of making things work and getting things started. But it would be nice if they could admit that they have made a mistake at those times they make a mistake. I am not trying to lump all engineers in one category, just complaining about the bad ones. (and there are quite a few)

Problem is said engineer recommends B but makes the mistake of also giving the price of A which the accountant sees & decides the difference is better in his pocket or stomach

Unfortunately when it hits the fan the finger then gets pointed at the engineer by the now fatter accountant

This doesn't come from an engineer but from a toolmaker who does see it happen all the time in the factories we do work for

Edited August 17, 2010 by tony27

[ham2]

I'll see your Al Murray and raise you

I fold..haven't got time to search t'internet....

[ham2]

WTF did I just put up, you Putz!

You know,even as the de ja vu was kicking in, when I copied and pasted the link, I thought: ''Where have I seen this before,recently?''

Memo to self....must not drink and type !

Back on topic:

My next-door neighbour, who's a Mackem went into the garden and spotted his new Sunderland FC shirt lying on the ground.

I heard him muttering; ''Some b******ds stolen my clothes pegs !''

Edited August 16, 2010 by HAM2

[gizza5]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy, very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk handkerchief which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

How much to repair it? The Scot asks the chemist.

Six pence, says the chemist.

How much for a new one?

Ten pence, says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout the Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and with a big grin, addresses the proprietor.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says

"We'll have a new one."

[copemech]

You know,even as the de ja vu was kicking in, when I copied and pasted the link, I thought: ''Where have I seen this before,recently?''

Memo to self....must not drink and type !

Back on topic:

My next-door neighbour, who's a Mackem went into the garden and spotted his new Sunderland FC shirt lying on the ground.

I heard him muttering; ''Some b******ds stolen my clothes pegs !''

Here we go again! Please define "Mackem"!

Did i miss the joke? Me thinks it a cultural slur or summik!

Edited August 17, 2010 by copemech

[copemech]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy, very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk handkerchief which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

How much to repair it? The Scot asks the chemist.

Six pence, says the chemist.

How much for a new one?

Ten pence, says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout the Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and with a big grin, addresses the proprietor.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says

"We'll have a new one."

And now for a good joke!

How many patches in the rubber on the Beemer?

[bigfoot]

Mackem on wiki

Mackem

[ham2]

Thank you BF, I now think Copey's education is complete...can't help sniggering at Wiki's 'notable Mackems'.....OK I'll grant you that Joseph Swan was the exception

[copemech]

Thank you BF, I now think Copey's education is complete...can't help sniggering at Wiki's 'notable Mackems'.....OK I'll grant you that Joseph Swan was the exception

I was hoping Ham's brain would click to the fact I used the word Summik,(I cheated on the wiki thing) rather than the usual Summat, to which I have found useful at times as a pick-up from these threads.

Actually, it is very similar here in the NE states such as Maine. I could probably come as close to decoding a geordie as one of them.

I do enjoy asking the Brits I may run across, (Wheer ya'll frum?)

[joekarter]

Life in America....................

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm,too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer...'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him into emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

[houseape1000]

SICK JOKE !

Elton John is releasing candle in the wind again, only this time in aid of the flood victims in Pakistan.............It's being retitled 'sandals in the bin'.

[ham2]

If we're doing sick:-

Did anyone watch that new 'kitchen' program last about battered wives? ''Can't cook,Left hook''.

Today a spokesman for the Pakistani government politely declined the British National Party's aid offer of 300 extra crocodiles.

Edited September 1, 2010 by HAM2

[the addict]

Whats 120 foot tall and has 1000 eyes?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A tree in Pakistan