gizza5 Posted October 8, 2010 Report Share Posted October 8, 2010 40th Birthday present...? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MY WEEK AT THE GYM: This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife, purchased a week of personal training at the Hermanus health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my school rugby team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee to wash down my bacon sandwich, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air..........and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it as my arms don't work!. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate climing stairs an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh *t too. THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn't help being a half an hour late? ............it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine...................which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading b1tch. If there were a part of my body could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it! Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with the TV remote control. However, I lacked the strength to even use that and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up to go to church today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b !tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted October 9, 2010 Report Share Posted October 9, 2010 Got fired ,for misconduct,from my job at the helium factory today. The boss said he wouldn't be spoken to in that tone of voice. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joekarter Posted October 17, 2010 Report Share Posted October 17, 2010 A really good friend told me that calories are the little flockers that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter. I really want to know why my closet's infested with the damn things and what the hell I can spray to get rid of them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted October 18, 2010 Report Share Posted October 18, 2010 Happy Halloween! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted October 18, 2010 Report Share Posted October 18, 2010 Aaaagh..some things once seen can't be unseen 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted October 18, 2010 Report Share Posted October 18, 2010 Hey Guys, Look out for me next week, I'm on Dragons Den. I've invented a land mine that looks just like a prayer mat ! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted October 18, 2010 Report Share Posted October 18, 2010 (edited) Ham is obviously hoping his prophets will go through the roof. Edited October 18, 2010 by Slapshot 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishy Posted October 19, 2010 Report Share Posted October 19, 2010 Ever since the wife went senile, all she does it stand and look through the window all day, if it snows I'll let her in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 20, 2010 Report Share Posted October 20, 2010 If women are so good at multi-tasking? Why can't they have a headache and sex at the same time? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted October 21, 2010 Report Share Posted October 21, 2010 I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted October 23, 2010 Report Share Posted October 23, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted October 24, 2010 Report Share Posted October 24, 2010 I think one should stand in the yard and grab the nuts as they drive by! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony27 Posted October 24, 2010 Report Share Posted October 24, 2010 You're a wordsmith Cope Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted October 24, 2010 Report Share Posted October 24, 2010 Just got my latest water bill in--- 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted October 24, 2010 Report Share Posted October 24, 2010 (edited) I think one should stand in the yard and grab the nuts as they drive by! That's dangerous Copey ,it would be difficult as a pedestrian to put your hand through the open window of a moving car Edited October 24, 2010 by HAM2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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