Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[copemech]

I would do anything to get my hands on that citation

...don't tell me?..the same guy owns the Viper and the jet?

Na, I get the Vipers in all the time. Lot of poofters, but I do get to take them out for a spin, as proper QC work is a must!

That Citation was sitting on the ramp when I went out to the local airport last weekend. The piccie does no justice! It is a cool jet! Seems the bloke flew in to watch the dirt track car races next door to the airport. They were probably running the "World of Outlaws" series or something, which is a big deal in that world, and some big money!

I think you need to go to work for Rolls Royce so you can get testing rights on these motors in order to get a free ride! I would think somewhere in the range of $2-3 Thousand bucks per hour operational cost on this thing. But if you need to get ten people to Florida from Texas in a couple hours, nothing else will do!

[ham2]

I saw a 'meet' of the south florida chapter of the viper owners club at Canaveral (something to do with's KSC having it 's own highways?).

They left more rubber on the deck than the morning after one of your fetish parties Cope

Those black marks looked good against that white concrete you use for roads over there.

Oh,oh, mission creep...back on topic:-

What did the atheist say when he arrived at the pearly gates?

Ahh,5h1t !

Edited May 17, 2011 by HAM2

[pa.]

A wife sent her engineer husband out to the shops.

She said "get a litre of milk, and if they have any eggs, get 6"

So, he came back with 6 litres of milk.

He did as he was told/programmed!

[pa.]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty ma

[ham2]

The old ones are the best.

[joekarter]

An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a cart.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, doesn

[wasntme]

I took a girl home last night, we had a few drinks at mine and then we went upstairs. We just got on to the bed and started ripping each others clothes off... Then a voice came from the bed and said, "I hope that's not that fat bird from last week."

The woman said, "what the heck was that?" I said, "Oh no it's that **** ing memory foam mattress again."

[copemech]

Best Engine in the World!!!

The best engine in the world is the Vaginar! It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes it's own oil every four weeks!

Pity, the management system is soo temperamental!

[slapshot 3]

Our lager

Which art in barrels

Hallowed be thy drink

Thy will be drunk

At home as in the tavern

Give us this day our foamy head

And forgive us our spillages

As we forgive those who spill against us

And lead us not into incarceration

But deliver us from hangovers

For thine is the beer

The bitter and the lager

For ever and ever

Barmen

[ham2]

One for Copey:

Aviation quotes;

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.

S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.

S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick

S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up

S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit

S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight

S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle

S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick

S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application

S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig

S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak

S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke

S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano

P: Air conditioning motor makes a loud squeal like my mother-in-law.

S: recommend divorce

[pa.]

[toofasttim]

First class Peter.

[copemech]

First class Peter.

Either you forgot a comma, or you are in the group next to last! Ha!

Sorry! I just had to do that!

Obviously, they don'y use the male horses about the kids!

Edited May 28, 2011 by copemech

[jse]

Life in the Australian Army

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that

the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in

bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in

settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.

But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya

bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in,

no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower

though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light

to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks

or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon

and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a

'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the

bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep

getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a

bloody dingo's a*** and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya

like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize

cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself

comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p***!! You don't even

load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have

to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when

you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real

careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil

and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home

after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the

platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the

Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the

shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,

but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before

word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[steveo]

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Catholic Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was quite understandably nervous. However, her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. I cook pasta. You go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!"

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs in panic to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up our poor Maria went again. When she got up there, the patient groom Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Step aside," said the mother. "You stay here and stir the pasta. I'm going upstairs. This job is for Mama!"