copemech Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 Kermit was a Magistrate?? Obviously we now know the ones who are on top of these matters! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 Have a fag! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 Hot! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 Hot! AAAHHH but it's a dry heat!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 (edited) Scorchio ! Back on track:- My dyslexic friend sent me a text yesterday telling me that someone had died from an overdose, in London ,in an army wharehouse?? Edited July 26, 2011 by HAM2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 Scorchio ! Back on track:- My dyslexic friend sent me a text yesterday telling me that someone had died from an overdose, in London ,in an army wharehouse?? Took three days....thats not bad for some of you...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thespikeyone Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 (edited) Q: What do Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse have in common? A: They both have a 10 year old crack addiction! Q: How do men pick up Amy Winehouse? A: With a stretcher! Q: Amy Winehouse's health is at risk due to her crack problem. A: Her doctors say that if she doesn't wash it soon, she'll get gangrene. Q: What's the difference between February and Amy Winehouse? A: February makes it to 28! Q: Why did the Amy Winehouse snort artificial sweetener? A: She thought it was diet coke. Elton John will perform at Amy Whinehouse’s funeral with a beautiful rendition of candle under the spoon Edited July 26, 2011 by thespikeyone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted July 26, 2011 Report Share Posted July 26, 2011 What's the difference between Jack Daniels and Amy Winehouse? With a Jack Daniels, adding coke, brings it to life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 Rupert Murdoch says he has been touched by some of the messages people have been leaving on Ami Winehouse's phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 Rupert Murdoch says he has been touched by some of the messages people have been leaving on Ami Winehouse's phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted July 27, 2011 Report Share Posted July 27, 2011 Cat Bowling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gjbiker Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre." My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a ****. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S. Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot. My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of ******** hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off. A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag." Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question." Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he'd still going anyway. What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99. 100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro. Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just f *cked the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava." I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt. The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries! 1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast. Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft ****. Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. Some *******'s just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over. A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield . 3.1415927 dead I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t." Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death….. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Paddy says "mick i'm thinking of buying a labrador." "sod that" says mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums. Edited July 29, 2011 by gjbiker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 Good ones, Gav! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted July 29, 2011 Report Share Posted July 29, 2011 I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt. Thanks PAL!! taken me five minutes to clean the Crunchy Nut Cornflakes off my laptop!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted July 30, 2011 Report Share Posted July 30, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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