pa. Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Times are tough here in the States: ~ I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. ~ Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. ~ CEO's are now playing miniature golf. ~ Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. ~ A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. ~ I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife. ~ If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. ~ McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. ~ Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. ~ Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. ~ My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her! ~ A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. ~ A picture is now only worth 500 words. ~ When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. ~ The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. ~ Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... ~ I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted August 6, 2011 Report Share Posted August 6, 2011 A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had a tattoo of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs. She says to one of her customers, a regular, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly *******s are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joekarter Posted August 7, 2011 Report Share Posted August 7, 2011 Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?" "Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 London riots...resolution in sight:- Breaking news: The A1 southbound into London is snarled up because there is a p\55ed up Geordie walking down the carriageway with a fishing rod and a KFC family bucket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted August 10, 2011 Report Share Posted August 10, 2011 Seriously though, Are we the only western democracy that doesn't shoot looters during riots? (Baton rounds..of course!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wasntme Posted August 12, 2011 Report Share Posted August 12, 2011 There are loads of people in the town centre playing medieval instruments really badly. Will this mindless luting never end? David Cameron said in the commons today that many of the youths involved in the rioting don't know the difference between right and wrong. After hearing some of those youths talking on the news the last few days, I doubt very much they even know the difference between right and left! Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London there will be hundreds of people running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol. I was watching the news with my wife last night. "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right." I said. "Yeah, very funny," she replied. "I Predict A Riot." I said, "No... Everyday I Love You Less And Less." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted August 13, 2011 Report Share Posted August 13, 2011 (edited) Seriously though, Are we the only western democracy that doesn't shoot looters during riots? (Baton rounds..of course!) The Taser guns work quite well! Will give one an attitude adjustment! More people should have them! Here, if they tell you to stop, you better listen! Edited August 13, 2011 by copemech Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joekarter Posted August 14, 2011 Report Share Posted August 14, 2011 Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from Eastern Kentucky, were sittin' on the front porch drinking "shine" when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do what?" asked Johnny Ray. "Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted August 15, 2011 Report Share Posted August 15, 2011 Ironing... IS a woman's job! Simple science tells us that women should be ironing. The difference between 'male' and 'female' is obviously the 'fe'. If we look up 'fe' in the periodic table it stands for iron. Science 1 - Women 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Ironing... IS a woman's job! Simple science tells us that women should be ironing. The difference between 'male' and 'female' is obviously the 'fe'. If we look up 'fe' in the periodic table it stands for iron. Science 1 - Women 0 I need a scientific explanation for my wife as to why in the balance of things she is supposed to bring me a sammich. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 This is a write-up,in one of the Uk's national papers, of Brad Pitt's visit to Scotchland. The writer is Scotchenese himself:- ''....Brad Pitt's been filming in Glasgow and was greeted by a crowd of thousands.Mainly locals hoping to be adopted. I can't help wondering if it's all just a bit of one-upmanship after George Clooney's visits to Darfur. Producers have filled the streets with zombies,simply by suspending the methadone programme. Glasgow has been transformed into a post-apocalyptic Philidelphia -- after just a few days tidying up......'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 This is a write-up,in one of the Uk's national papers, of Brad Pitt's visit to Scotchland. The writer is Scotchenese himself:- /quote] Scotchenese! That is funny! That must be the antonym for the "Blackenese" term used by my russian friend to describe UFO's (unidentified feckin origin). Yet the term suggests pale and pasty white skin! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 :hyper: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 nice knowing you ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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