Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[pa.]

Have a drink.

[nelly1]

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?

Signed...

Concerned Golfer

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[nelly1]

An eldery patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again.

Doctor, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."

Patient, "Oh, I am in a funny situation now. I haven't told my family yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. In a month, I've changed my will three times!"

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Q. Why shouldn't you disrespect Nicki Minaj?

A. She'll make another song about it. No one wants that.

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Did you break wind cause you're blowing me away?

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Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

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A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

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Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The ******* funeral director would be my first guess."

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[pa.]

Dating Protocol World Wide

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.

SCOTTISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blinding drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blinding drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blinding drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.

Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.

No third date:

The POINT?

SCOTTISH WOMEN ARE LOOKING MIGHTY GOOD, aye !!

[ham2]

Hey, I think I've just seen Michael J. Fox at our local florist...I couldn't be sure 'cos he had his back to the fuscia !!

[ham2]

In a statement today,John Terry has flatly denied racially abusing Anton Ferdinand , but agreed that he would 5h4g his wife though.

[copemech]

I hope this link works for Ham! My link

[toofasttim]

I hope this link works for Ham! My link

(not v PC though... )

[ham2]

About 5 mins slow....but bloody funny

[the_oil_baron]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Darling, that is a load of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

So she said:

"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest willy.

[pa.]

Have to love team tactics.

[toofasttim]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes

five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.

[atomant]

Little Tommy, 5 years old playing with his train set with his mum watching him whilst cooking the tea when he says.

'Now all you knobs arriving on platform 14, get off the bloody train as the next lot of twats are waiting to get on'

Tommy's mother said, "Tommy, that is terrible, you cant say things like that now get to your bedroom now..."

So off tommy goes to his bedroom...

2 hours later mummy goes in and says ' Are you going to play with your train set properly now?" and tommy says "OK"

So Tommy starts playing again with his train set and says, " For all passengers arriving on platform 14, we hope you have had a pleasant trip. Please ensure you take all your belongings and leave the train safely on the left"

Mummy looks at tommy and smiles and says'" That's better Tommy"

Tommy carries on, "and all passengers leaving for Portsmouth on platform 12,sorry if you're p****d off with the 2 hour delay, but blame the bitch in the kitchen..."

[b40rt]

From toofastim :-

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind races. He racks his brain and travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from Fred's stag night that I shagged on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's Grade 3 teacher"

[ham2]

Someone sent me a text last night :

'GBAN'

I think that's bang out of order.