ham2 Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Have you heard about the latest craze for Ecstasy impregnated bubble gum that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it... "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him. " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" - this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steveo Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic: cost - $29.99 Clinton: cost - $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Monica Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thespikeyone Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 Oh Yes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted November 25, 2011 Report Share Posted November 25, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted November 25, 2011 Report Share Posted November 25, 2011 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM3TCrhoChE&feature=player_embedded Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toofasttim Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman"and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do yuppy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $250?" The man agreed and told her that the pink paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $250 and handed it to her, along with a $50 tip. "Thank you," the girl said. "And by the way, that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari" Edited November 29, 2011 by TooFastTim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wasntme Posted November 30, 2011 Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 I think god misunderstood Amy Winehouse when she asked for speed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted December 1, 2011 Report Share Posted December 1, 2011 Murphy...who'd been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a substantial compensation claim. "I understand"... Stated the counsel for the insurance company... "You're claiming damages for the injuries you had suffered?". "Yes... Dat's right".... replied Murphy nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident... yet.. I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling....you replied...."I''ve never felt better in me life"..... Is that the case?". "To be sure... but".... stammered Murphy. "A simple yes or not will suffice".... counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes"... Replied Murphy. Then it was the turn of Murphy's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement on your health to the police". "All right then".... said Murphy. "After the accident me horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and me poor dog was howling in pain. The policeman comes along takes one look at me horse and shoots him dead. Den'... he goes over to me dog... looks him over...and shoots him dead too. Then over he comes straight to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now...Sor'... by all the saints..what the hell would you have said?". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted December 3, 2011 Report Share Posted December 3, 2011 How not to >>>>>>>> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slapshot 3 Posted December 5, 2011 Report Share Posted December 5, 2011 Mrs Addict turns over to a cooking programme. The addict says to her, 'why you watching that? you can't cook' she replied 'Well you watch porn' ---------------------------------------- I've just bought a Jehovahs Witness advent calender.Every time you open a window a head pops out and shouts - Bugger off --------------------------------------- An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Naples, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did my son, and you have no need to confess "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago, and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?'' ---------------------------------------- An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.; At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'Jesus, No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes. --------------------------------------------------- A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." ------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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