Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[slapshot 3]

There was a little fellow sitting in a pub having a quiet drink when this thug comes up to him and hits him about the head, saying "thats Kung Fu from Japan".

A little while later the thugs hits him again, this time stating "thats Karate from Korea."

The little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug, knocking him out cold. He says to the barman "when that tosser wakes up, tell him that was a shovel from B&Q. . . "

[slapshot 3]

A ventriloquist was mid-way through his act (which was going down well with the audience), when he started on

[feetupfun]

I like lots of things about Dr Who. One is the way they include self-mockery like when the Doctor's Daughter says "I like the running"

Tim I have to agree - that "don't blink" episode is my all-time favourite Dr Who. It even scares my kids

[slapshot 3]

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the sh!t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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"Redneck" Joke

A man from New York was driving through the deep South and accidentally struck two black men walking down the road. One flew up in through the windshield and the other flew out into a cotton patch.

The man dialed 911 and by the time the local sheriff arrived the man was in a near panic. "What happens now?" the man asked.

The sheriff surveys the area and says "Well... that one over there we can get for leaving the scene of an accident, and this one over here we'll get for breaking and entering."

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Edited December 14, 2011 by Slapshot 3

[joekarter]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it Heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for the funeral."

[slapshot 3]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

[slapshot 3]

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on an old ladys door. As she opens it and before she could say anything he pours a big bag of dog sh!te on the rug.

"Dont worry madam, if this cleaner doesnt pick up every last piece I will eat what's left!"

"Well I hope you're hungry " she says "because I had the electricity cut off 3 days ago!"

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A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house.

When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"

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Baldrick's take on the Euro

Baldrick: "What I want to know sir, is before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used.

And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes sir"

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980's there were many different countries all running their own finances and using

different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal.

They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial metldown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it sir".

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

Baldrick: "What was that then sir?"

Blackadder: "It was b*****ks".

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I've just got out of the police cells after being arrested as part of the Christmas drink/drive campaign.

The WPC asked how much I'd had to drink in the last 24 hours.

Apparently "Not enough to sh@g you" was a bad answer.....................

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The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage,

her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

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[gizza5]

The three wise men arrive to visit the infant lying in the manger...bearing gifts of gold...Incense...and myrrh.

One of the wise men...who is very tall...accidentally bumps his head on the low doorway as he leaves the stable.

"Jesus Christ!"...he exclaims.

Joseph says..."Write that down...Mary..

It's better than ''Andy'' :biggrinsanta:

[Andy]

It's better than ''Andy'' :biggrinsanta:

That's funny. I could have sworn it said "Justin" on Twatbook

[the addict]

That's funny. I could have sworn it said "Justin" on Twatbook

Its one of those very clever jokes mate, you can alter the last line to suit.

[Andy]

Its one of those very clever jokes mate, you can alter the last line to suit.

Except, of course, you could never alter the name to be "Mark". Not unless you expected the son of God to grow up to be a raving homo.

[gizza5]

Except, of course, you could never alter the name to be "Mark". Not unless you expected the son of God to grow up to be a raving homo.

Hey you given up smoking, You given up alcohol you will be giving up sex with women next I rest my case

[axulsuv]

As the Christmas spirit will be flowing over the festivities I thought I would share this experience about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many margaritas and some rather nice Merlot. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one...

[slapshot 3]

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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Insanity therapy!! (got these from Gizza....must be an expert.. )

1. At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars .... see if they slow down!!

2 Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

3 Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has recovered from their caffeine addiction, switch to Expresso.

4 Skip down the hall rather than walking. See how many strange looks you get

5 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face

6 Sing along at the opera.

7 Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party, because you have a headache.

8 When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I won!'

9 When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, screaming 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'

10 Tell your children, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

And finally, to maintain a healthy level of insanity:-

11 PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

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A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts, 'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.'

He looks at her and says angrily, 'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'. 'Fine!' she says

Then the wife asks, 'well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right' to which he replied, 'fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have 'fridgidaire' written on my forehead?

I don't think so!' 'Fine!' she says

'Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break' she says.

'I'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours................ He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, 'how did all this get fixed?'

She said, 'well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'

The Husband said, 'so what kind of cake did you bake?' she replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'

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For Sale:

Small green boiler suit.........apply North Korean Embassy...

[the addict]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: 'Dont Miss Big John The Amazing Scotsman'. The sales man bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

...

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign

'Don't Miss Big John The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know

Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said Big John, 'Ma eyes are nae wht they used tae be.'

Edited December 19, 2011 by The Addict