ham2 Posted January 24, 2012 Report Share Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) Warning..old joke re-hashed:- President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rings up President Obama on the Whitehouse hotline and launches into a rant; ''You Americans think you are so sophisticated,civilized,free thinking and well balanced with your biased media propaganda!Pah!'' ''You export a TV series like Star Trek to all the world ,which portrays the crew of a starship as a multi-cultural metaphor for inter-racial harmony?......you have an Oriental guy to pilot the ship, a Russian to navigate,an Afro-Carribean lady in charge of communications...and you even show a Skattishman in charge of engineering!!! BUT..not one single Iranian!? Can you answer me that?'' Obama replies menancingly; ''That's because it's set in the future you c*** !'' Edited January 24, 2012 by HAM2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joekarter Posted January 28, 2012 Report Share Posted January 28, 2012 Bob had been out of work for nearly six months, when he was walked by the job center window and saw a card advertising for a gynecologist's assistant. Thinking he had finally found his dream job, he rushed in to ask the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions. Then, you apply shaving cream, gently shave off all their hair and finally rub in soothing and lubricating oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000. However to start you'll have to go to nearly 800 miles east of here." "Good grief, is that where the job's at?" "Oh no--that's where the end of the line is." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevel Posted January 28, 2012 Report Share Posted January 28, 2012 Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 28, 2012 Report Share Posted January 28, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
airwave Posted January 29, 2012 Report Share Posted January 29, 2012 Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive." More countries drive on the left, but more people drive on the right. ( he says with 3 driving licenses in his wallet, two for driving on the wrong side of the road and one for the correct side :-) ) Sweden was the last country to change sides in 1967. It was a gradual process, busses and trucks on monday, cars on Tuesday and bikes on Wednesday . . . . . (ok, I might have lied about that bit :-) ) wikki link to "Dagen H" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copemech Posted February 6, 2012 Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_oil_baron Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters . ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No , I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 One for Ham 'n' Baldilocks... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 should include 'MAN' as well! Y'nah? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baldilocks Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 Thats been photoshopped, the bloke on the right is wearing a coat. divnt dee coats round here bonny lad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 Thats been photoshopped, the bloke on the right is wearing a coat. divnt dee coats round here bonny lad Just high heels & pelmets ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 Just high heels & pelmets ? Nah. One-piece riding suits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 Nah. One-piece riding suits. I know exactly the picture your referring to ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 I know exactly the picture your referring to ! I was going to dig the picture out, but the mental scars are too great Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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