ham2 Posted September 2, 2012 Report Share Posted September 2, 2012 I've just got over that picture of that bloke with a bike in a bath ! If she was in the bath she'd have to break the crust to get out ! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 A Higgs boson particle goes into a church but the priest stops him and says ''I'm sorry but you can't come in''. The particle says ''Of course I can, you can't have mass without me!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trialswarrior Posted September 9, 2012 Report Share Posted September 9, 2012 Women are born this way - Men are born this way http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qGIkLQPT2Wg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 This is a real review on amazons web site for veet hair removal gel for men. 102 of 106 people found the following review helpful 5.0 out of 5 stars Oh the shame...., 3 July 2012 By Ham2- See all my reviews This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care) After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned . Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my a***. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, a*** in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my a*** while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 'Gay snowman' I must remember that phrase the next time that I get too ambitious with my choice of curry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baldilocks Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 quality giggling !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted September 22, 2012 Report Share Posted September 22, 2012 There's loads of them. A very funny read to while away a bit of time http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gjbiker Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 While hiking along the coast yesterday morning I noticed an ethnic extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the sea . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown. Being the responsible sharing caring Scotsman I am, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Police and the Coastguard. It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axulsuv Posted September 24, 2012 Report Share Posted September 24, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted September 26, 2012 Report Share Posted September 26, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted September 26, 2012 Report Share Posted September 26, 2012 Nice One Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pa. Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Playing the percentage game...some knacker will fall for that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tankygsy Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Bit of tommy cooper... “So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away... Pushing them away and they keep comin towards me so I keep pushing them away, pushing them away..." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gizza5 Posted October 17, 2012 Report Share Posted October 17, 2012 An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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