Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[gizza5]

On his visit to Ireland the Pope stops to chat with people in the street.

He asks Paddy what he thinks of County Down.

Paddy replies "It's rubbish since Carol Voderman left."

[toofasttim]

Traditional Maori Ceremony:

Wiremu had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's 18th birthday came around, he and his friend Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you idiot.............."

* * *

SEE Language does matter – we need to say what we mean

You bet Facebook is a dangerous place!

I've made a big, big mistake on my Facebook page.

In hindsight I should have posted, "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford Escort XR3i sedan"

Rather than "I've just forked a 14 year-old Escort."

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her Mums.

* * *

I just got sacked from my job with the Lifeline crisis centre.

A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm

lying on the railway track at Sydney Central waiting for the train to

come".

I swear, all I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line".

Ritchie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down. "What's up guys?" he asks.

"Well Ritchie, to be honest we're having all sorts of trouble getting motivated for this game against Australia . We know it's important but we've just beaten Argentina and South Africa in consecutive weeks and, let's be honest, it's only the Aussies this week. They're crap and we simply can't be bothered".

Ritchie looks at them and says "Okay guys, I hear what you're saying. The way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don't you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and maybe catch it on telly. I really think I can do this by myself"

The rest of the team reckon it’ll work and they agree. So Ritchie goes out to play the Wallabies by himself while the rest of the ABs go off for a few pots. After a couple, they begin to wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on.

A huge cheer goes up as the screen reads (after 10 minutes): "New Zealand 7, (McCaw, converted try) -- Australia 0”

Dammit, he's actually beating Australia all by himself. Surely he can't do it, can he?

Anyway, a few more beers later, the telly goes off and the game is temporarily forgotten until someone suddenly remembers, "Heck, It must be full time now, let's see how Ritchie got on". They get the telly put back on and look on eagerly.

There on the screen is the result: Full-time from Eden Park,: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 1 converted try); Australia 7, (Sharpe, 1 try, Cooper 1 conversion.)

They can't believe it! It's a draw. Ritchie v Australia and he single-handedly managed a draw against the Aussie Wallabies

Delighted, they rush back to Eden Park to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, slumped over with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down guys," he mumbles disconsolately. "I'm so sorry, but I've really let you down."

"Don't be an idiot skipper; you got a draw against Australia, all alone, all by yourself. And they only scored a single try, right at the death, after 79 minutes!”

"No, no, I have" says Ritchie. "I've let you down. I hope you can forgive me. Twenty minutes from full time, I got sent off!"

Edited October 19, 2012 by toofasttim

[copemech]

Just in for an oil change today!

[b40rt]

Something to offend everybody

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

Jimmy Savile's family have had the gravestone removed along with the flowers as a mark of respect. It just leaves a small hole and no bush around it.

Just what he would have wanted.

The Vatican has revealed that Jimmy Savile was only two rapes away from getting his own Parish

[kmac]

Well done b40rt.

These are the first jokes on here that have made me feel ill!!

I did see an article in the paper today that had photos of three of his alleged victims. They had pictures from the 70's and from this week. They were labled as:

Now, Then. Now, Then. Now Then.

[fatbastard]

Just found out my dad was raped by jimmy saville in the 70s in his dressing room,

I can't believe he was on top of my pops

[fatbastard]

One of the 9 Asians accused of grooming young girls in Rochdale known locally as

Jamaal Fixit.

[fatbastard]

When will these Jimmy Saville sex allegations end? It's even been mentioned that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.

[copemech]

I go into my favorite electronics store to find they have made my favorite fellow change his name which was there for a long time! Apparently, recieved too much abuse over Phuk, so they made him change it!

I am still a Phuk Phan fan!

[trialswarrior]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Sdn3O6aaMNc

[trialswarrior]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,

right now..'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs

And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy

That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later

The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes

on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser

And now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window

And into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water

Last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'

[tomch]

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.

The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...

but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."

So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.

I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.

She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.

"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.

"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"

"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.

Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."

She nodded.

"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"

"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently

massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

[purplebeast]

Biology Class....final exam:

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ,' worth

70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to

think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck Finally, in desperation, just before the

bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7) It comes in 2 attractive containers.

He got an A.

[purplebeast]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is

at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have

found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such

a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

"Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most

is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

[purplebeast]

Pished 'n swished in Chapillhaw

A woman goes to the Doctor in Chapillhaw, worried about her husband's temper

and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time

ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your

husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start

swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until

he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came

home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae

touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does

bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."