Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[b40rt]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4C5SgA9d9gQ

[ham2]

Felt a bit sorry for Lewis Hamilton driving into the wrong pits yesterday.

He looked a bit embarrassed when interviewed at the end.

So he should have been, he could have taken someones legs out if the crew hadn't been on the ball. If he'd not left McLaren on good terms I reckon the pit-crew could've run the clock down with a little time wasting before he was released. I worry about Hamilton's decision making process sometimes. I think someone will get hurt.

[zippy]

I HAVE GOT to go test drive some cars!!!

[b40rt]

[Andy]

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"

[toofasttim]

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Liverpool, Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[Andy]

The world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. as he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. 'Just released – new LP "Wasps of the world and the sounds that they make" – available now’.

Unable to resist the temptation, he goes into the shop and says: “I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.”

“Certainly sir”, says the man behind the counter. If you'd like to step in the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you.”

The world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make goes into the booth and puts on the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces: “I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognise none of those.”

“I'm sorry sir”, says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth I can let you have another ten minutes.”

The world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. “I don’t understand it”, he says, “I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I still can't recognise any of those.”

“I really am terribly sorry”, says the young assistant, “I've just realised I was playing the bee side.”

[toofasttim]

“I really am terribly sorry”, says the young assistant, “I've just realised I was playing the bee side.”

[ham2]

Yes Tim, I didn't realise we were allowed to post up groaners either

[b40rt]

I see Hell just got a new member !

[ham2]

Oi McTrotski,

I didn't have a problem with her in the early years even though my Dad worked for the coal board...she really stood firm on EEC rebates and backed up the Falkland islanders. At the end of her tenure she had lost the plot and wouldn't listen to any advisors on any subject.

[pa.]

I was shopping the other day and there was this weird looking child running around the store like a lunatic. I said to the big bloke standing next to me,. . " That is one bloody Ugly looking Kid" . . .

He looked at me and snarled " That's my SON over there . . . ! " I smiled and said,. . ." I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his Dad,. . . . ."

He said,.

"I'm not his DAD,. . . .

I'm his BLOODY MOTHER". . . . . .

[pa.]

A Scotsman and his Wife walked past a s****y new restaurant in the town.

"Wow, did you smell that food ?" his wife exclaimed. . .

Being a really kindly Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck, , ,I'll Treat her. . ."

So they turned around immediately,

And walked past it again. . . . .

[Andy]

[pa.]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."