Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[b40rt]

[copemech]

Found wifey with one of these, I guess I am done for! The friggin phone does everything else!

[copemech]

On second thought, where is Ian B.? We may need to patent a bluetooth version!

[b40rt]

“The word shark was coined in 1549 when English sailor William Michael Griffin saw a great white swimming towards him and in sheer panic tried to scream three different swear words at the same time.”

[Andy]

A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main road just before midnight.

He sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the policeman walks to the car

and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window.

'Uh, yes, officer'? he grunts.

The policeman asks: 'What are you doing sir?'

The young man says: 'Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer says:

'And, her, what might she be doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the policeman is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car with a big back seat,

at night in a lover's lane and nothing untoward is happening - unbelievable!

The policeman asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 18, sir.'

The policeman asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes.'

[ham2]

Andy, I think that's a written version of a Not the Nine o'Clock News sketch which (typically) I can't find but I did find another sketch which highlights the demise of our society over the last thirty years or so? No-one would dare do a satire like this nowadays:

[ham2]

Jokes from the kids:

What do you call an Italian with a nitrile foot?

Rubberto.

Who are the coolest people to hang out with at the hospital?

The ultra sound guys.

[pa.]

I farted on the bus and four people turned around, I felt like I was on the voice.

[trialswarrior]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is all dry and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking some really good pot, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while trying to take a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle.

He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says,"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck Dude........How much water did you drink?!"

[joekarter]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[joekarter]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. Mother's day is coming up and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
  
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  
• I had no control over the drooling.
  
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
  

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

[tltel]

So! Did your wife like her present?

TLTEL

[joekarter]

So! Did your wife like her present?

TLTEL

I'm not completely sure, but I keep hearing zappy noises and evil giggles from the back room.

[Andy]

You couldn't make this up...

[copemech]

You couldn't make this up...

I would offer a bit o back door to her!

Edited June 11, 2013 by copemech