Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[bultoboy]

Stair lifts they drive me up the bloody wall!!!

[axulsuv]

The Sensuous Wife

Upon arriving home from work our hero was greeted by his wife, dressed in a low cut and very sexy dress.

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" She asked.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, nope."

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now he’s really intrigued.

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"Go look in the garage..."

[bultoboy]

Last night whilst the wife was asleep I swapped her tampon for a party popper with the string hanging out.

Turns out that she doesn't have a sense of humour 1st thing in the morning

[bultoboy]

Screen shot from my mates face book

[pa.]

[joekarter]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,

“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[ham2]

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"Whaaat . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

Edited October 20, 2013 by ham2

[ham2]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

[ham2]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were

Listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We

Are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on

The even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through.

"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer

Said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your

Car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get

through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer

Said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a

Worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get

Through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are

Married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave

The bloody car in the garage this time."

[trialswarrior]

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake could not bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind its head took the frog and put it in my bucket.

NOW, the dilemma on how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack and poured it down the snakes throat, its eyes rolled back and the snake went limp.

I released the snake back into the lake without incident and carried on fishing with my new frog as bait.

Not long after I felt something tugging on my leg .... IT was that damn snake again ... with two more frogs!

[trialswarrior]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine

whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,

a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the

bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you

want a bed near the window?"

[pa.]

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

[Andy]

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many

years. First guy asks the second guy,"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e...n..t t..o a

d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e

t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I

w..i..l...l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he

was almost married.

"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I

w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r

p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s

s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d

I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h...a..t w..h..e..n w..e

a...r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d

d...o t..h..a..t f..o...r m..e a..n..d s..h..e

t..h..r..e..w t..h...e r..i..n..g i..n m..y

f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the

first friend.

" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,

t...h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e

l...o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e

w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s B..a..ll..s"

[trialswarrior]

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,

heard the noise and called out, Are you okay?;

I'm okay thanks," I replied.

Thank goodness for that. I'm Elizabeth, what's your name?"

"Its Jack. Umm, but, uh;

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest awhile, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive ... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be. really upset."

"Don't be silly, Elizabeth said with a smile, she won't know anything! By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

[trialswarrior]

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you, Bubba?"