Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[ham2]

Now this is what I call progress

http://www.austin-ya...cts/iturntable/

Somebody put a lot of work in there, just for a joke...impressive.

[copemech]

Good aircraft jokes Wayne!

[purplebeast]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........

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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

[trialswarrior]

Nosy neighbor hears diggin by his fence,

peeks over and sees the neighbor kid diggin a hole awful close to his fence

neighbor " why ya diggin a hole by my fence kid ? "

kid says " I'm givin' my beloved goldfish a proper burial, I really liked him "

neighbor: "well thats an awful big hole for a goldfish, aint it ?"

.

.

kid: "not really, . . . It's in your cat"

[pa.]

A lawyer, who specialized in suing Doctors, dies and by some error in handling ends up going to heaven.

He`s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who says, 'Sorry, but we don`t accept medical lawyers into Heaven.'

‘Why not?'

'Well, we just don`t.'

The lawyer complains and carries on until St. Peter gets fed up.

'Well', says St. Peter, 'have you ever done anything good in your life?'

'Ummm', the lawyer replies, 'Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten dollars. Last week I donated ten dollars to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars also.'

'Alrighty then', says St. Peter, 'wait here and I'll have a quick word with God.'

Five minutes later St. Peter returns to the lawyer.

'Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me, here`s your 30 dollars back ...... now f*** off!'

[copemech]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!

[pa.]

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam:" Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."

Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"

Herb says: "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"

Sam says, "How about rose?"

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.

"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

[b40rt]

The Wal-Mart game - you can only buy 3 items.

What 3 items do you buy to freak out the cashier the most ?

Here's a starter :-

Pregnancy test kit, lime and a shovel !

[zippy]

The Wal-Mart game - you can only buy 3 items.

What 3 items do you buy to freak out the cashier the most ?

Here's a starter :-

Pregnancy test kit, lime and a shovel !

Dog Leash

Personal Lubricant

Thermos

[copemech]

Some good stuff here!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d57o4m3Myfw

[trialswarrior]

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and Gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a Very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your Prostate today, but this new procedure is a little Different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".

The doctor says, "Great",now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'.

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees Raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

"One....

two…

three…"

[axulsuv]

To all the Pet owners ... I know you can relate ...

Note on refrigerator door – FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't smoke or drink,

(7) don't want to wear your clothes,

(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

[Andy]

Kenny's gone a bit quiet and it is somewhat Rooster related so...

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I'm celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'...

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[steveo]

A small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked: "What's he like?"

The little bloke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Rum and Coke and Sheila's with big tits."

[copemech]

A small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked: "What's he like?"

The little bloke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Rum and Coke and Sheila's with big tits."

Oh hell, did not know I had grandchildren!