Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[steveo]

Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in maths.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

[cactusjack]

Couldn't read through 121 pages to see if this is here, so apologies if it is, but:

Wife is standing in front of the mirror,

She looks herself up and down and says to hubby, who is sitting on the bed reading the paper,

"I'm old, fat and wrinkly. I need a compliment"

Without lifting his eyes from the daily rag, Husband replies,

"Your eyes are ****ing spot on"

[steveo]

Here's something to think about........

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I've just reached 65).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or Trials riding?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 85?

[ham2]

After hours of getting ready to go out my wife finally opened the bathroom door and said;

''Honestly, do I look fat in this?

I replied; ''Yes love...but to be fair, it is just a small bathroom''.

[atomant]

A man walks into a bookshop and says "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."

and some stuff for copey ...

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[nelly1]

guy goes to the doctors

doctor i think im a moth

doctor says thats not really my field may i suggest you go to the psychiatrist

i was on my way there but i saw your light on

[Andy]

[atomant]

Kulula Airways -- Real things said on board ...

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one child, pick your favourite"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a " Thanks for flying our airline" He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking at the passengers in the eye thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, " Sir, do you mind if I ask a question?" "No Ma'am" said the pilot, "What is it?" She said , " Did we land or were we shot down !"

Edited April 2, 2014 by atomant

[atomant]

"G'Day Mate, Aussie Helpline here... What's the problem , Cobber ..? "

" I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp ... and now her pussy has closed completely up"

"Jeez.. Bummer mate ..!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that ... Bye "

Edited April 7, 2014 by atomant

[biffsgasgas]

Recent conversation with the girl friend as she has been working through her multiple clutch issues. Skype wasn't working well that day. hehehehehehe. More than likely she will read this and I will be in trouble. So be it.

--Biff

[zippy]

HAHAHAAHAHAHHA. Freekin' AWESOME

[joekarter]

Husband’s Message (by mobile phone):

Honey, a car hit me outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head doesn’t seem to have caused any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in my left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.



Wife’s Response:

Who's Paula?

[copemech]

Billyt, I got your adapter in, just put it on the willy and pull the strap. You gotta have your own hose and bag!

Send me a tenner!

Note: not rated for the vacume!

[copemech]

So, my Jamaican friend shows up at my work today. He loves beer!

Hi Hubert, I say, how are you?

Luberly mon, me ned som BEER mon!, he states.

I do not have beer at work, Hubert!, I state.

Ah, you should get some thin mon, it is life! Like Liquid Chicken!, he states.

LIQUID CHICKEN!, Yum mon!

[laird387]

Hi,

Meantime, somewhere exciting...............