Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[the addict]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[the addict]

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

[the addict]

_{A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''}

[the addict]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

[pa.]

Feeling a bit sick?

I wonder what her specialty is?

Edited October 24, 2014 by pa.

[slapshot 3]

Good Grief Justin's back..... means I better post some new gags as well......

After being married for 50 years, Justin took a careful look at his wife one day and said,

"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a £750,000 home, a £45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

Now Pippa is a very reasonable woman.
She told Justin to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that once again he'd be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nigel Farage has sent his warmest congratulations to Manchester City for their unwavering commitment to getting out of Europe.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honour?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike. ... "It’s wise never to book a judge by his cover."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Englichman, Sctsman and an Irishman are visiting the Vatican. They take a wrong turning and end up in the Pope's bedroom. The Pope has a massive heart attack and dies in front of them. One of the Pope's aides asks them to keep quiet, and the news would be announced to the World in a couple of days time. The three see this as an opportunity to make some easy money, and visit the bookies on their return home and place bets on the Pope dying in the next few days. When the news is announced, they meet in a pub, to discuss their luck. " I got 50-1, and won £5000" says the Englishman. "I got 100-1, and won £10000" says Jock. "I was unlucky" says Paddy, " I put him in a £100 treble with the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Chief Rabbi".

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"And the winning ticket is number 11," Murphy called at the charity raffle.

Everybody looked around to see who had won the prize but no one had their hand up.

"Didn't you have ticket number 11 Paddy?" Murphy asked.

“So I do Murphy," said Paddy.

"I'm sorry; I was looking at it upside down!"

Edited November 6, 2014 by slapshot 3

[slapshot 3]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night!
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "he needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty.

So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO

[slapshot 3]

A Love Letter from your computer

Dear Andy

You look really sexy in that ...thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail.. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means!

But alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes master! I'll balance your chequebook. Yes master! I'll run your silly little programme. Don't get me wrong... I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion?

Maybe instead of just ramming the CD in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards?

I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and... and.... what?

Ok...well, will you at least think about it?

I'm so embarrassed,

Your Computer

[slapshot 3]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[slapshot 3]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"


The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Homebase!''

[the addict]

Top effort Donald, nice one mate lol, keep them coming peeps.

[slapshot 3]

Kenny the Rooster Lives On !!!!

[pa.]

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex


The wife's back on the warpath again. . . Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I really should have taken them off.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for quite some time, the wife and I were going to commit suicide together yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a whole lot better. So I thought, sod it, I'll soldier on!


I woke up this morning at Eight, and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! As you can imagine, I totally panicked. I didn't know what to do.. . . . . .Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30 AM.

[pa.]

Garage Door.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tyres.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'' Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'' Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old friend:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. ''The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[billyt]

I thought there was 25 letters in the alphabet.............

I dont know Y.............