the addict Posted January 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Oldham have said no to Ched Evens joining the club today, although Ched has taken that as a yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted January 24, 2015 Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Oldham have said no to Ched Evens joining the club today, although Ched has taken that as a yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 Hi, The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."> > The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."> > The lawyer says: "Your wife invested £20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £2 million."> > CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"> > The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ...... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story...Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2015 (edited) HEALTH ISSUES ? Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? ... Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon. Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living. Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include:Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. Warnings:The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot.. Edited January 29, 2015 by the addict Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b40rt Posted January 31, 2015 Report Share Posted January 31, 2015 They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...... Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.' Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted January 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2015 The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and, I have some bad news.” The tycoon replies, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.” The lawyer says, “Your wife invested £50 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million.” ... The tycoon replies enthusiastically, “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?” The lawyer answers, “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guys Posted February 1, 2015 Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Déjà vu 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 1, 2015 Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Hi, The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news." > > The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first." > > The lawyer says: "Your wife invested £20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £2 million." > > CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?" > > The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary." The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and, I have some bad news.” The tycoon replies, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.” The lawyer says, “Your wife invested £50 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million.” ... The tycoon replies enthusiastically, “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?” The lawyer answers, “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary." THE WINNER of the' shortest time between repeated jokes' title goes to..... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 THE WINNER of the' shortest time between repeated jokes' title goes to..... Dear me, apologies all, must try harder. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 THE WINNER of the' shortest time between repeated jokes' title goes to..... Its not the first time you've picked me up on this mate, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laird387 Posted February 2, 2015 Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, The Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him.... Are you ready for this? Sum Ting Wong * Sum Ting Wong.pdf Edited February 2, 2015 by laird387 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 2, 2015 Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 Its not the first time you've picked me up on this mate, Sorry old boy.....I might have Kenny OCD or some other anxiety order. I mean, everybody, yes everybody checks (four times; even numbers are good but odd ones are evil) that they haven't left the porn in the video before they go to work ....don't they? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ham2 Posted February 2, 2015 Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 Back on topic: Two turnips fall madly in love with each other and get engaged to be married. The big day comes and they have the most fabulous day supported by their family and friends. They settle down in their first home together, a small, picturesque, cottage with a little garden. The only thing missing from their blissful lives was the blessing of a small baby turnip; until one day, in the garden a tiny turnip emerged. The three of them were so happy. Unfortunately, just when baby turnip was learning to roll, he accidently rolled out of the garden into the main road and was squashed under the wheel of a cement truck. After ten hours of emergency surgery the distraught Mr. and Mrs. turnip were met by the theatre doctor, they anxiously asked whether baby turnip would live? The surgeon replied: ''This is not easy to say but; yes he will but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life''. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the addict Posted February 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2015 One for Donald and Andy at my expense. 4 people in the carriage of a train - a Scotsman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and an Welshman. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Welshman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks: "I bet that Welshman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him." ... The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Welshman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him." The Welshman thinks: "I bet that the Scotsman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me." The Scotsman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Welsh **** again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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