Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[ham2]

Here's one for Mr. Finn:

(Cockney joke, accent required)

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

Y' can't wash yer 'ands in a bison.

[Andy]

Here's one for Mr. Finn:

(Cockney joke, accent required)

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

Y' can't wash yer 'ands in a bison.

Think you got that the wrong way round....

[the addict]

Here's one for Mr. Finn:

(Cockney joke, accent required)

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

Y' can't wash yer 'ands in a bison.

One of my all time favourite jokes f*&^ed up by Ham2 lol, thanks for posting mate even if the wrong way around, made me chuckle.

[the addict]

Ham, I'm hoping I've not done this before mate? its at least worth another viewing though.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 16 Willow Lane ?'

...
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, pull my knickers off and have your wicked way with me?'

The farmer said, ' I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!'

[ham2]

One of my all time favourite jokes f*&^ed up by Ham2 lol, thanks for posting mate even if the wrong way around, made me chuckle.

Been on the razz all weekend in Edinburgh for a pals 40th...still sozzled. Worra w4nk4, doh!

[gizza5]

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says,

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Close enough." !!!

[gizza5]

This made me smile

[the addict]

I love eBay, sold my homing pigeons four times this month..

[laird387]

Eileen and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand,
embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and
massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John
watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in
the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to John and said, "This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week.. Can you do this?"

John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays
and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[the addict]

_{Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.}

_{A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:}

_{Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.}

_{The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??}

_{WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.}

_{AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.}

_{Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?}

_{There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.}

_{I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.}

_{Am I wrong?}

_{So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.}

_{The directions said that:}

_{a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;}

_{a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and}

_{a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.}

_{Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.}

_{All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'}

_{What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.}

_{I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.}

_{I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...}

_{HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!}

_{I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.}

_{Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:}

_{There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!}

_{A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.}

_{My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!}

_{PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!}

_{If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!}

[the addict]

A 76 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said....
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't p*** out of it!" he replied.

Edited February 10, 2015 by the addict

[lowbrow]

Keen to cash in on the pink pound Ikea are developing a range of furniture for gays and lesbians. Already available is a special bed for lesbians. Self assembly, but no screwing involved - it's all tongue and groove!

[michael_t]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland – in the Outback)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's a*** and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

[the addict]

Keen to cash in on the pink pound Ikea are developing a range of furniture for gays and lesbians. Already available is a special bed for lesbians. Self assembly, but no screwing involved - it's all tongue and groove!

Lol, nice one Dave, hope to see you soon mate.

[the addict]

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot.
but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained.
"I haven't had a ****in' chance yet!" replied the parrot....