Kenny The Rooster - Contains Adult Humour

[laird387]

The Law of Instructions Applies. Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[the addict]

Three couples are golfing together.
As the Swedish woman tees up, a gust of wind blows her skirt up. “Fru! Where are your skivvies?” her husband asks.
“You don't give me enough money to buy any,” she replies.
He reaches into his pocket and tells her “Well, here is 50 Krona. Buy some!”
The English woman tees up next, and a gust of wind blows her skirt up. “Wife! Where are your knickers!” her husband asks....
“You don't give me enough money to buy any,” she replies.
He reaches into his pocket and tells her “Well, here is 20 quid. Buy some!”
Finally, the Scottish wife tees up, and a gust of wind blows her skirt up. “Woman! For the luv 'o God, where's your pants?” her husband asks.
“You don't give me enough money to buy any,” she replies.
He reaches into his sporran and tells her “Well, here's me comb. Tidy yerself up a bit!”

Edited February 14, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[the addict]

Ham, I know its probably on here already but its worth a second post.

I was telling this blonde barmaid in the pub about my ability to guess the day a woman was born on, just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then."
After a couple of minutes she started to lose patience and said
"Come on then,What day was I born on?"...
"Yesterday?" I replied.

[the addict]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties..?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank **** for that ! - I thought you were sitting on the damn cat.. ! "

Edited February 15, 2015 by the addict

[the addict]

50 Shades of Grey is banned in Afghanistan
We cannot condone this depravity said Muhammad Adullah,

who was accompanied by his 12 year old wife and 2 kids.

[gizza5]

[the addict]

"Haram"

[pa.]

The other 3 in 4 bought those DVD's.

[the addict]

Paddy is inconsolable after his dog goes missing, his wife says, 'Why

not put an ad in the paper'. He does this and after 2 weeks he gets no

replies. 'What did you put in the paper?', asks his trusting wife,

Paddy says, 'Here boy!!!!!'.....

[the addict]

Mary got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Mary again, remarried,..... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Mary finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

[the addict]

Man & wife are cooing over their new born baby. "Look at his c&%k," says the man, "It's massive!". "Yes dear," says the wife, "but at least he's got your eyes".

Edited February 17, 2015 by the addict

[laird387]

Subject: Greek Bailout

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village . The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

[laird387]

The Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth.

Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please – I must know am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

God simply replied, ‘You are what you are.’

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’

The zebra looked puzzled. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.’

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.’

The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’

‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is.’

[the addict]

Subject: Greek Bailout

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

I like that even though I can spot the flaw.

The bailout has little to do with helping Greece, and has everything to do with buying the Banks time to remove themselves from risk, and the current money printing by the ECB will buy private bank loans from the banks in return for clean money conjured up out of thin air via the ECB.